THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mike Oxsaw]

Ted... ...behave.... ...that is all.

[ted fenton]

"Good one Helmut ;-) YES THIS IS YEARS OLD BUT I LOVE IT üôÇ A man goes on holiday to Barcelona and decides to go for a meal in town. A fancy bistro catches his eye so he walks in and orders paella. Whilst he's waiting he spots his waiter serving a man's meal. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat. ""Excuse me senor"" he says to the waiter just before he walks past his table. ""That dish you served to the gentleman over there, what is it?"" ""Ahh, that senor is our most popular dish. The bulls testicles"" ""Really?"" the man says in a surprised manor. ""It looks and smells great! Is it too late to change my order?"" ""No it is not senor but I'm afraid you cannot have the bulls testicles"" ""Why not?"" ""There is only one bull fight a day senor so only one meal can be ordered a day. If you come back early tomorrow you can order it then"" The man is disappointed and so he has his meal, goes back to his hotel and comes back the next day. First one through the door and orders the testicles. After a short wait his meal arrives. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat. He tucks in and is amazed at the unbelievable taste and texture of what he thinks is by far the best thing he has ever eaten. After finishing, the waiter comes over. ""How was it senor? You like?"" ""That was the best thing I've ever eaten but I just had one slight issue"" ""Yes senor?"" ""Well, the dish you gave to the gentleman yesterday, the testicles on his plate seemed bigger than mine"" ""Ahh senor, sometimes the bull he wins"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A young woman and her boyfriend are crossing the desert in a land rover. The woman is having problems with the extreme heat. ""Why dont you take your knickers off"" says her boyfriend ""it will improve the air circulation around your lower body"" ""I'm not doing that!"" She replies "" there's too much chance of tge locals seeing up my skirt"" He says ""well its your loss, none of the local women wear drawers around here"" They come to an oasis and she sees a big fat woman sitting under a palm tree eating a melon. She is sitting tgere with her legs wide open and her vagina open to view. The girl approaches her and says ""excuse me, you don't mind me asking but do you find that wearing no knickers helps you keep cool?"" "" no"" says the fat woman "" it keeps de flies off my melon"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

Q. What do you get when you mix alcohol with American literature? A. Tequila Mockingbird.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu. You get what you deserve

[ted fenton]

For all of you that have Alexa ask her to say coffeebean 100 in Welsh. This is dedicated to cross hammer !!!!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A seacow-shaped Zeppelin, advertising the rock opera ""Tommy"", has just burst into flames and crashed to earth. Oh, The Who manatee!"

[ted fenton]

"Two elderly women were having lunch together, And discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, ""I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."" The second woman responded, ""Oh, I'm thinking of having my arse-hole bleached!"" ""Oh! Dear!"" replied the first woman. ""I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy went for an interview. The fella says ""Have you filled in the questionnaire yet?"" So he goes downstairs and beats up the doorman."

[Pee Wee]

Top work with your last 3 Stoat I wish others would take a leaf out of your book when remembering jokes should be funny

[Briano]

"Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antiques road show, presenter says ""ò these are a fine example from the turn of the century Taxidermist Colbrigg of London, if in top condition do you know what they would fetch? ""òSticks' replied Paddy"

[eswing hammer]

"We took in one of those Eastern European refugees , l got her to do the cleaning and hoovering but she took so long over it we got rid of her, l thought she was Ukrainian but it turned out she was a SlowVac !"

[joe royal]

"Kier Starmer walked into a bank to cash a cheque When he's called over to the cashier he says, ""Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"" The cashier replied, ""It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"" Starmer said, ""Truthfully, I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm the leader of the Labour Party"" The teller said, ""Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."" Starmer said, ""Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they'll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."" The cashier said, ""I'm sorry, Sir Kier, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"" Getting a bit agitated, Starmer snapped, ""C'mon woman, I'm urging you, please, to cash this cheque.."" The cashier said, ""Look Sir Kier, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. ""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Starmer , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"" Kier Starmer stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, ""Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there's nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."""

[The Stoat]

Scunthorpe's relegation means there are only two teams left in the Football League who's name contains a swear word. Arsenal and F***king Tottenham!!!

[The Stoat]

A new movie is about to hit the big screens It's about the lives of the composers and features an all star cast Stallone said he will play Mozart Willis mentioned he will be Beethoven Van Damme stated he will play the part of Strauss Schwarzenegger told journo's to piss off he ain't saying it

[Queens Fish Bar]

"A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, ""Do you mind if I say a word?""ù. ""No, go right ahead""ù, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says ""Plethora""ù, and sits back down. ""Thanks""ù, the woman says, ""that means a lot""ù"

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 5:02 Sat Apr 2 Noah 4:16 Sat Apr 2 ;-)

[ted fenton]

Haha Stoatie

[Noah]

The Stoat 8:05 Fri Apr 1 ag ag ag ag

[The Stoat]

"Colin ""How about we form a band""ù? Ulrika ""What will we call the band""ù? Norman ""We could do what ABBA done""ù! Tracey ""Bad idea""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old sailor goes with an old brass. They get up to her room and he'd hard at it. ""How am I doing?"" ""You're doing three knots"" ""What's that?"" ""You're not hard ,you're not in and you're not getting your money back!!"""

[Haz]

"I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, ""Thanks."" I said, ""Don't mention it."""

[ted fenton]

"A left wing politician, a TV reporter and an SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying! The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV. The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out. As the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists! The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun? ""Because"" said the trooper; ""When we get back to the UK, I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack""!!"

[JayeMPee]

"Young woman, early twenties, lives in a small village in the West Country. Desperate to be screwed there is nobody local who would fit the bill. She decides to go to London for the day certain she will find someone there, gets a train to Waterloo arriving early evening and makes her way to the West End. Visits several pubs and sitting at the bars keeps eyeing chaps she fancies but the only interest she gets is a drunken old sod who tries groping her. She smacks his face and heads back to Waterloo to catch the last train home. Still desperate she notices a cleaner stood at the entrance to a platform with his chin planted on his broom handle looking really pissed off. Seeing him as her last chance she heads straight for him and shouts 'I need fucking'. He looks up and into her eyes and says 'so do I dear I've just swept the wrong platform!'"

[The Stoat]

"I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a French maids outfit and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided that if she can't hold a job down, she's not for me"