THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Matthew Holmes]

"Lester Piggott's funeral is on Wednesday ""쬆starting at twenty to one."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Imagine the fallout if Cher married Mark Noble.

[Willtell]

"A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess. Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can't see any logos so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries a third time, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the fuck do you want?' 'Ah ha!' he says, ""Ryanair""."

[ted fenton]

A Sure Cure For Sea Sickness Is To Sit Under A Tree. Spike Milligan.

[Alfs]

"""My wife hasn't spoken to me for three weeks"". ""Why's that?"" ""I don't like to interrupt her"". Rodney Dangerfield"

[penners28]

"Bloke with a stutter goes up to the bar ""Ccccan IIIII hhave a ppint of lllllllager please""ù The barman goes ""Oooooooof ccccccourse sssssir""ù Man: ""are are are yyyyou ttttaking the piss?""ù Barman: ""ccccourse nnnnnot""ù The man walks away and sits down The next person in line then gets served, and he's some posh bloke ""Good afternoon my good man. Can one have a pint of your finest ale please""ù The barman goes ""Of course, one would only be too happy to oblige""ù Man with the stutter walks back to the bar and goes ""Oi oi oi yyyyyyou cccccunt! Iiiiiii thought yyyyou said yyyyyou wwwwere not tttttaking the piss ooooout ooof me?!""ù And the barman goes ""IIIII wwwwasnt? IIIII wwwwaaas tttttaking the piss ooooout of hhhhhhim!!""ù"

[The Stoat]

Fucking Hilarious https://www.westhamzone.com/transfers/liverpool-could-offer-alex-oxlade-chamberlain-in-swap-deal-for-west-ham-ace-jarrod-bowen/

[Helmut Shown]

"There's two fat chav girls walking through a park. One of them says ""I'm busting for a slash"" The other one says ""We're just coming up to the bridge over the boating lake, why don't you hang your arse over the parapet and go there?"" The first chav agrees and starts to pee. From underneath her she hears somebody shout at her. ""Oi you've just pissed in my canoe"" She shouts back to him ""I'm so sorry I thought it was my reflection"""

[epsom]

"Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behaviour. So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender: -Is Crimea ours? -Yes, it is. -And the Donbas? -Also ours. -And Kyiv? -We got that too. Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks: -Thanks, how much do I owe you? -5 euros."

[ted fenton]

"The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, ""Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"" Maria: ""Well, Se√±ora, there are tree rezons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."" Wife: ""Who said you iron better than me?""ù Maria: ""Jor huzban he say so.""ù Wife: ""Oh yeah?""ù Maria: ""The second rezon eez that I am better cook than you.""ù Wife: ""Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?""ù Maria: ""Jor hozban did""ù Wife increasingly agitated: ""Oh he did, did he?""ù Maria: ""The third rezon is that I am better at sex than you."" Wife, really boiling mad and through gritted teeth asks, ""And did my husband say that as well?""ù Maria: ""No Se√±ora""¶ The gardener did.""ù Wife: ""So how much do you want?""ù"

[The Stoat]

"She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ""You've got to make love to me this very moment!"" My eyes lit up and I thought, ""I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, ""Thanks,"" and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, ""What was that all about?"" She explained, ""The egg timer's broken."""

[ted fenton]

"This has to be one of my all time favourites..... A little girl was standing at her front gate while her little fat puppy ran around the garden. The local vicar was walking past and noticed how pretty the little girl looked in her white cotton summer dress. He leaned on the gate to speak to her and said, ""That's a pretty dress you have on little girle. What's your name?"" Girl: ""Hello Vicar. My name is Petal"". Vicar: ""Well, well, that's a pretty name too. How did you get a name like that?"" Girl: When my mummy was in hospital waiting for me to be born, a petal floated in through the window and landed on her tummy, so she called me Petal"" Vicar: ""Oh, what a wonderful story. And what is your doggies name?"" Girl: ""His name is Porky"". Vicar: ""I bet he's called Porky because he is fat"" Girl: ""Oh no. It's because he Fucks pigs!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes into a hardware shop and says ""I'd like to buy a dead wasp please "" the man says ""We don't have any"" ""But you've got one in the window """

[penners28]

"A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ""Yep"" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."" The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. ""Ten dollars"" the guy says. ""Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"" ""Because he's a fucking liar. He's never even been out of the yard."""

[Helmut Shown]

"A man is walking down the road and he hears ""Mark! Mark!"" . As his name is Mark he looks around to see who is calling him. He walks further along and he hears ""Mark! Mark!"" yet again but this time louder. He goes further and as he is passing the garden of a house he hears "" Mark! Mark! "" he looks over the garden wall and sees a dog with a hare lip."

[ted fenton]

"A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library: ""Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied in a loud voice: ""I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: ""I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded in a loud voice: ""£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered in her ear: ""I study law: I know how to even things up!"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes into hospital for a circumcision operation. Whilst he is anesthetized the surgeon gets to work. A slip of the hand and the patient's left testicle is cut off. Fully aware of the repercussions of a medical negligence trial he goes down to the kitchen and gets a silverskin pickled onion and sews it into the patients scrotum. Three months after the operation the patient goes back for a check up. ""Any problems?"" The surgeon asks. The man replies "" Well just one slight thing: every time i eat a cheese sandwich i get an erection"""

[Too Much Too Young]

ted fenton 8:58 Fri Apr 29 AG Sent that to my MD.

[ted fenton]

;-)

[Mike Oxsaw]

Ted... ...behave.... ...that is all.

[ted fenton]

"Good one Helmut ;-) YES THIS IS YEARS OLD BUT I LOVE IT üôÇ A man goes on holiday to Barcelona and decides to go for a meal in town. A fancy bistro catches his eye so he walks in and orders paella. Whilst he's waiting he spots his waiter serving a man's meal. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat. ""Excuse me senor"" he says to the waiter just before he walks past his table. ""That dish you served to the gentleman over there, what is it?"" ""Ahh, that senor is our most popular dish. The bulls testicles"" ""Really?"" the man says in a surprised manor. ""It looks and smells great! Is it too late to change my order?"" ""No it is not senor but I'm afraid you cannot have the bulls testicles"" ""Why not?"" ""There is only one bull fight a day senor so only one meal can be ordered a day. If you come back early tomorrow you can order it then"" The man is disappointed and so he has his meal, goes back to his hotel and comes back the next day. First one through the door and orders the testicles. After a short wait his meal arrives. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat. He tucks in and is amazed at the unbelievable taste and texture of what he thinks is by far the best thing he has ever eaten. After finishing, the waiter comes over. ""How was it senor? You like?"" ""That was the best thing I've ever eaten but I just had one slight issue"" ""Yes senor?"" ""Well, the dish you gave to the gentleman yesterday, the testicles on his plate seemed bigger than mine"" ""Ahh senor, sometimes the bull he wins"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A young woman and her boyfriend are crossing the desert in a land rover. The woman is having problems with the extreme heat. ""Why dont you take your knickers off"" says her boyfriend ""it will improve the air circulation around your lower body"" ""I'm not doing that!"" She replies "" there's too much chance of tge locals seeing up my skirt"" He says ""well its your loss, none of the local women wear drawers around here"" They come to an oasis and she sees a big fat woman sitting under a palm tree eating a melon. She is sitting tgere with her legs wide open and her vagina open to view. The girl approaches her and says ""excuse me, you don't mind me asking but do you find that wearing no knickers helps you keep cool?"" "" no"" says the fat woman "" it keeps de flies off my melon"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

Q. What do you get when you mix alcohol with American literature? A. Tequila Mockingbird.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu. You get what you deserve

[ted fenton]

For all of you that have Alexa ask her to say coffeebean 100 in Welsh. This is dedicated to cross hammer !!!!