THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[wd40]

Forgot about that one ted thanks I'll use it at work today.

[eswing hammer]

*Aalborg*

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Been up town drinking, now its late, missed the last bus, no taxi available, no way home No problem. Go to nearest Indian take away, order a meal for delivery to your house and jump in with the driver"

[ted fenton]

"Absolutely disgusting behaviour on Clacton beach about an hour ago !!!! I saw a man & a woman having an almighty argument in front of some young kids when suddenly she smacked the bloke on the head & it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl & someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own & took his baton to the bloke, the guy managed to snatch it off him & started whacking the copper AND his wife. I couldn't believe what l was seeing. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages! One of the better Golden Oldies ;-)"

[With Kind Regards]

"I was just behind Adam Ant in the queue for ice cream. He got a standard vanilla""¶"

[boleyn8420]

At Ascot today I was going to have £5 EW on the Dalai Llama If only I was a Tibetan man

[Aalborg Hammer]

Are you sweating while putting petrol in your car?? Feeling sick while paying for it ? You've got the Car Owner virus !

[MrTrentReznor]

ted fenton 1:57 Mon Jun 13 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) The author ties his shoe laces with his cock hanging out?

[ted fenton]

"""I have outlived my pecker."" The Penis Poem -- by Willie Nelson My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. But now I've got a full time job, To find the f***in' thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave. For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues. To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!!"

[ted fenton]

"SEX AFTER DEATH!!! A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: ""Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"" ""Is that you, Frank?"" ""Yes, I've come back as we agreed."" ""That's wonderful! What's it like?"" ""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."" ""Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"" ""No -- I'm a fucking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke goes to a prostitute and asks what can he get for twenty quid. The prostitute tells him he can do cunnilingus on her. He gets down to it but stops as there is something in his mouth. He spits it out to see a pea. He resumes plating the prostitute but stops again and spits out a bit of carrot. He says to the prostitute ""what's going on here""ù She replies ""oh it's alright the last bloke to do that threw up""ù"

[Dowies Love Child]

"A friend of mine always used to tell me that the first rule of the theatre was to always leave them wanting more. Lovely bloke, terrible anesthetist."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I watched my son walk back to the pavilion. ""Well done son"" I said ""you'll play for England one day"". ""Dad"" he replied ""I was bowled out for a duck, twice"". ""I know son, I know "" I answered."

[Sir Alf]

"Aalborg Hammer 7:04 Fri May 20 Clever , ag ! :-)"

[Matthew Holmes]

"Lester Piggott's funeral is on Wednesday ""쬆starting at twenty to one."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Imagine the fallout if Cher married Mark Noble.

[Willtell]

"A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess. Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can't see any logos so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries a third time, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the fuck do you want?' 'Ah ha!' he says, ""Ryanair""."

[ted fenton]

A Sure Cure For Sea Sickness Is To Sit Under A Tree. Spike Milligan.

[Alfs]

"""My wife hasn't spoken to me for three weeks"". ""Why's that?"" ""I don't like to interrupt her"". Rodney Dangerfield"

[penners28]

"Bloke with a stutter goes up to the bar ""Ccccan IIIII hhave a ppint of lllllllager please""ù The barman goes ""Oooooooof ccccccourse sssssir""ù Man: ""are are are yyyyou ttttaking the piss?""ù Barman: ""ccccourse nnnnnot""ù The man walks away and sits down The next person in line then gets served, and he's some posh bloke ""Good afternoon my good man. Can one have a pint of your finest ale please""ù The barman goes ""Of course, one would only be too happy to oblige""ù Man with the stutter walks back to the bar and goes ""Oi oi oi yyyyyyou cccccunt! Iiiiiii thought yyyyou said yyyyyou wwwwere not tttttaking the piss ooooout ooof me?!""ù And the barman goes ""IIIII wwwwasnt? IIIII wwwwaaas tttttaking the piss ooooout of hhhhhhim!!""ù"

[The Stoat]

Fucking Hilarious https://www.westhamzone.com/transfers/liverpool-could-offer-alex-oxlade-chamberlain-in-swap-deal-for-west-ham-ace-jarrod-bowen/

[Helmut Shown]

"There's two fat chav girls walking through a park. One of them says ""I'm busting for a slash"" The other one says ""We're just coming up to the bridge over the boating lake, why don't you hang your arse over the parapet and go there?"" The first chav agrees and starts to pee. From underneath her she hears somebody shout at her. ""Oi you've just pissed in my canoe"" She shouts back to him ""I'm so sorry I thought it was my reflection"""

[epsom]

"Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behaviour. So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender: -Is Crimea ours? -Yes, it is. -And the Donbas? -Also ours. -And Kyiv? -We got that too. Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks: -Thanks, how much do I owe you? -5 euros."

[ted fenton]

"The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, ""Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"" Maria: ""Well, Se√±ora, there are tree rezons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."" Wife: ""Who said you iron better than me?""ù Maria: ""Jor huzban he say so.""ù Wife: ""Oh yeah?""ù Maria: ""The second rezon eez that I am better cook than you.""ù Wife: ""Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?""ù Maria: ""Jor hozban did""ù Wife increasingly agitated: ""Oh he did, did he?""ù Maria: ""The third rezon is that I am better at sex than you."" Wife, really boiling mad and through gritted teeth asks, ""And did my husband say that as well?""ù Maria: ""No Se√±ora""¶ The gardener did.""ù Wife: ""So how much do you want?""ù"

[The Stoat]

"She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ""You've got to make love to me this very moment!"" My eyes lit up and I thought, ""I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, ""Thanks,"" and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, ""What was that all about?"" She explained, ""The egg timer's broken."""