THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[eswing hammer]

"I showed my wife that Ted ,she said it was a good story!"

[ted fenton]

"This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said ""I would like to withdraw ¬£10""ù. The teller told her ""for withdrawals less than ¬£100, please use the ATM. The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her ""these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you""ù. The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said ""please help me withdraw all the money I have.""ù The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her ""you have ¬£300,000 in your account but the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow? The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to ¬£3000. ""Well please let me have ¬£3000 now.""ù The teller kindly handed ¬£3000 very friendly and with a smile to her. The old lady put ¬£10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit ¬£2990 back into her account. üòè The moral of this story is.... Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Qatar world cup matches to be dry.

[ted fenton]

"I saw a woman reading 50 Shades of Grey on the train today. ""At least you don't have to lick your fingers to turn the pages"" I said with a smile, ""You disgusting sh#t!"" she screamed and stormed off down the carriage. Are all Kindle readers such miserable Sods?"

[Mad Dog]

"I used to have a girlfriend that was obsessed with fishing, it got so much I had to give her the elbow"

[ted fenton]

"I go fishing After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, ""This is the cure for your wife's problem and what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"" ""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was in B & Q and I said to the girl ""Have you got anything for greasy ovens ?"" and she said ""Ammonia cleaner "" I said ""I'm sorry,I thought you worked here"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've just finished reading a cracking book ""Fights on a Narrowboat"" by R.G.Bargee"

[Coffee]

"My mate Tony asked me not to say his name backwards. Why not, I asked?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Chromosomes: the third gender -- XX = Female XY = Male YI = Geordie

[ted fenton]

:-)

[wd40]

Forgot about that one ted thanks I'll use it at work today.

[eswing hammer]

*Aalborg*

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Been up town drinking, now its late, missed the last bus, no taxi available, no way home No problem. Go to nearest Indian take away, order a meal for delivery to your house and jump in with the driver"

[ted fenton]

"Absolutely disgusting behaviour on Clacton beach about an hour ago !!!! I saw a man & a woman having an almighty argument in front of some young kids when suddenly she smacked the bloke on the head & it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl & someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own & took his baton to the bloke, the guy managed to snatch it off him & started whacking the copper AND his wife. I couldn't believe what l was seeing. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages! One of the better Golden Oldies ;-)"

[With Kind Regards]

"I was just behind Adam Ant in the queue for ice cream. He got a standard vanilla""¶"

[boleyn8420]

At Ascot today I was going to have £5 EW on the Dalai Llama If only I was a Tibetan man

[Aalborg Hammer]

Are you sweating while putting petrol in your car?? Feeling sick while paying for it ? You've got the Car Owner virus !

[MrTrentReznor]

ted fenton 1:57 Mon Jun 13 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) The author ties his shoe laces with his cock hanging out?

[ted fenton]

"""I have outlived my pecker."" The Penis Poem -- by Willie Nelson My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. But now I've got a full time job, To find the f***in' thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave. For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues. To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!!"

[ted fenton]

"SEX AFTER DEATH!!! A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: ""Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"" ""Is that you, Frank?"" ""Yes, I've come back as we agreed."" ""That's wonderful! What's it like?"" ""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."" ""Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"" ""No -- I'm a fucking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke goes to a prostitute and asks what can he get for twenty quid. The prostitute tells him he can do cunnilingus on her. He gets down to it but stops as there is something in his mouth. He spits it out to see a pea. He resumes plating the prostitute but stops again and spits out a bit of carrot. He says to the prostitute ""what's going on here""ù She replies ""oh it's alright the last bloke to do that threw up""ù"

[Dowies Love Child]

"A friend of mine always used to tell me that the first rule of the theatre was to always leave them wanting more. Lovely bloke, terrible anesthetist."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I watched my son walk back to the pavilion. ""Well done son"" I said ""you'll play for England one day"". ""Dad"" he replied ""I was bowled out for a duck, twice"". ""I know son, I know "" I answered."

[Sir Alf]

"Aalborg Hammer 7:04 Fri May 20 Clever , ag ! :-)"