THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Bungo]

"My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his privates hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far, however, he was having none of it and stuck to the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention. ""No"", he said, ""I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do He's 28 years old, fucking idiot."

[lab]

"I was in the pub last night and told my mate the joke about ""¶what do you do if you see someone having an epileptic fit in the bath ""¶.throw the washing in . The bloke on the next table said his brother died in the bath having a fit ""¶Christ how embarrassed did I feel ..then he looked up and said he choked on a sock."

[Nutsin]

"Cum bubble complained to HR, so now we can't use nicknames at work anymore."

[Nutsin]

"I've had the shits for 2 weeks""¶""¶.They're back in school now."

[Helmut Shown]

"When Donald Trump was president he went to Afghanistan to jolly along the troops. He goes up to the first soldier who is an American and says ""Can you tell me why you're here son?""ù The young soldier replies ""I'm here to stand up for freedom for the Afghan people and I'm proud to my duty for the people of America. ""That's a fine sentiment""ù the president replies and goes on to the next soldier who is British. "" Can you tell me why you're here son?""ù The squaddie replies ""Because I didn't listen at school sir""ù"

[Cor Blimey]

"I was walking in the park and saw a man with the weirdest looking dog I've ever seen. I asked the man what breed it was. He said ""It's a mongol"" I said ""Don't you mean a mongrel"" He pulled up on the lead and shouted ""Down Syndrome""."

[ted fenton]

"A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, ""That's sure a pretty dress you're wearing."" The little girl smiled, ""Thank you, Sir. My mama bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."" The old man chuckled, ""I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you called him that."" She shook her head, ""I'll bet you can't."" He laughed, ""You called him Porky because he's so fat."" She shook her head. ""No Sir, we call him that because he fucks pigs."""

[Son of Sam]

"The amazing talking sheepdog and his shepherd are competing... Dog: ""Well, that's all one hundred sheep accounted for."" Shepherd: ""I only see ninety eight?"" Dog: ""Don't worry, I rounded them up."""

[BillyJenningsBoots]

ted fenton 2:46 Sun Oct 30 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ted are you sure you didn't leave him a written note?

[Nutsin]

"My wife likes me to blow on her when she's hot""¶""¶""¶""¶But I'm not a fan."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"So, there is a lot of talk about kids identifying as cats or dogs, ""furries""ù üòÇ. Imagine if you can, that one of my boys told me they thought they were a cat? Sitting at the supper table son says: ""Dad, I think I'm a cat!"" Dad: ""No son, you're a boy! "" My son: ""No dad some of my friends at school identify as cats, they call themselves furries, and so do I !! It's my right and you can't do anything about it!""ù Me: ü§î ""OK!! "" My son: ""Hey, where's my supper? "" Me: ""Your supper is in the catfood bowl in the corner. Now get off the table you mangy cat!""ù My son: ""What???""ù Me: hits him with a broom, ""get off the table furball!!""ù My son in the corner looking bewildered! Me to my wife : ""Is that cat neutered""ù?? My wife: ""I will make an appointment!! "" My son: ""What??? "" üò≥ Me: ""Your mother and I have decided we don't want a house cat, so get out to the barn and hunt mice!""ù My son: ""What???""ù Me: brandishes broom, ""NOW, to the barn you stupid cat!!""ù My son: ""Dad, I think I'm a boy!""ù Me: ""I thought so, now sit down and eat your supper!!""ù"

[Nutsin]

Why does a woman close her eyes during sex? Because she can't stand to see a man have a good time.

[Kearley]

"You told him, Ted? Was he deaf as well as dyslexic?"

[ted fenton]

"Went to see my dyslexic mate today. I caught him using black shoe polish on his Willy. I was confused, I'm sure I told him to turn his clock back."

[ted fenton]

"Nazi officer: ""Sir, we are mining too many resources"" Hitler rubs chin. Officer: ""Should we mine fewer?"" Hitler: ""Should we what?"""

[ted fenton]

"Two old men, Frank and Albert used to meet regularly for breakfast. Then Frank disappeared for a month. Albert was worried but he could not remember Frank's home address. After one month Frank reappeared. *Albert:* ""What happened to you? You had me worried."" *Frank:* ""I was in jail."" *Albert:* ""Jailed for what? *Frank:* ""Remember Lily, the waitress who works at the coffee shop?"" *Albert:* ""Yes l do. What about her?"" *Frank:* ""She filed rape charges against me. At 85 years old, I was so proud that I pleaded guilty. *The damn Judge gave me 30 days for lying under Oath.""*"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"One day a priest, on his way back home, he notices a little boy at the side with a box of kittens. The priest leans over and takes a look. ""Those are some of prettiest kittens I've seen."" The boy replies: "" Yes, they're Christian kittens."" The Priest thinks oh, that's adorable and walks on home. About a week later, he's walking down the same street with a friend and he sees the boy with the kittens again. Remembering the kid's description of the kittens he says to his friend: ""Go ask the kid about them kittens, he's got the cutest answer you've ever heard."" So the friend walks over and says: ""Well, those are really cute kittens."" The boy answers: ""Yes, they're Atheist kittens."" The priest overhears this and says: ""Wait a minute, last week you told me they were Christian kittens."" And then the boy answers: ""Yeah, but now their eyes are open."""

[ted fenton]

"Blonde : ""My husband's suffering from dandruff and nothing we've tried seems to work."" Brunette : ""Oh, that's no problem. I gave mine Head and Shoulders and that did the trick."" Blonde : ""How do you give shoulders?"""

[madeeasy]

"ted fenton 1:05 Sat Oct 22 Ted you had already posted this twice before mate, you must have forgot with the dementia setting in....!! You still hear from Delboy? if so please send him my best and hope he's ok."

[ted fenton]

Doctors are to be paid £55 if they diagnose a patient with dementia. I was at the surgery this morning and was diagnosed with Dementia. I only went there to clean the windows!

[ted fenton]

"I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason. The vet replied "" Muzzle 'im? "" No, I said- I think he's an atheist."

[Helmut Shown]

"Two old blokes playing golf. On the last hole one of them tees up the ball and catches it with the full meat of the club. It flies past the hole and out of bounds but he is still proud he had hit it so long. They finish their game and head back to the clubhouse. As he walks into the bar, there is a policeman there. The copper says ""Are you the gentleman who hit the long drive on the eighteenth hole?"" "" Yes, that was me"" the man replies proudly ""Well"" the copper says ""that ball hit a motorcyclist in the face, he swerved in front of a school bus and they collided with the bus veering into a busy shop. There are significant casualties"" ""Oh my God"" says the old boy ""What am i going to do?"" The policeman looks up and says "" I think you should change the grip with your left hand on the club"""

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"Two old boys are having their usual Wednesday morning round of golf. They are on the 5th fairway, out on the edge of the course, when a funeral courtege comes into view on the road alongside the course. The first old fella takes off his cap, stands erect and bows his head as it goes past. His mate is impressed by this: ""I'm impressed, Bob, you don't see many folk paying their respects like that these days..."" ""Well,"" says Bob, ""she was a good wife to me for almost fifty years..."""

[ted fenton]

"IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN ................ Just thought I'd nip over to my neighbours, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year."

[Anders]

Apparently Kwasi Kwarteng had trouble getting a seat on the plane cos nobody wanted him anywhere near business or economy