THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the live dishes of the day. The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish. ""I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please"" says the man. ""O.K."" replies the Waiter and calls out ""Gervais!!"" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. ""Not to worry"" says the Waiter, and calls out ""Hans!!"" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. ""Sir"", says the Waiter, ""this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"" The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. ""I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid"" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. Wait for it. . .. . ""Well sir,"" says the Waiter, ""it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid."" OK...I'll get my coat."

[ted fenton]

"Just got this text:- Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st to 15th December, can you put my bin out? :-((("

[ted fenton]

"For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Picasso gets burgled and he's asked to draw a picture of the suspects. The police are searching for one horse and two sardines.

[ted fenton]

"Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, ""Burger and chips, please."" ""Certainly, Sir,"" I replied. ""Are you eating in or taking out?"" ""You B#stard,"" he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen."

[jack flash]

"A miracle worker is in town and spots a young Scouser 'How can I help you son?' he asks 'Can you help me with my hearing?' he replies The miracle worker cups his hands and places them over the young mans ears After a minute or so he takes his his hands away and says to the young man 'Does it seem any better?' The Scouser replies 'I don't know, it's not till next Thursday!'"

[Manip]

Liam Gallagher has released some Christmas related merchandise. Festive Mugs with Are Kid written on them and wrapping paper with his face all over it. Liam prefers the wrapping paper..... Because you Get A Roll With It. swt

[ted fenton]

"The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ""Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?""ù The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ""Everthang but my earrings.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Bought some powdered water but didn't know what to mix it with...

[Willtell]

"A Texan police officer called his station on his radio. ""I have an interesting case here. An old lady has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just washed."" ""Have you arrested the woman?"" said his sergeant. ""Not yet. The floor's still wet"""

[Willtell]

R I P Boiled water. You will be mist...

[Bungo]

"My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his privates hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far, however, he was having none of it and stuck to the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention. ""No"", he said, ""I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do He's 28 years old, fucking idiot."

[lab]

"I was in the pub last night and told my mate the joke about ""¶what do you do if you see someone having an epileptic fit in the bath ""¶.throw the washing in . The bloke on the next table said his brother died in the bath having a fit ""¶Christ how embarrassed did I feel ..then he looked up and said he choked on a sock."

[Nutsin]

"Cum bubble complained to HR, so now we can't use nicknames at work anymore."

[Nutsin]

"I've had the shits for 2 weeks""¶""¶.They're back in school now."

[Helmut Shown]

"When Donald Trump was president he went to Afghanistan to jolly along the troops. He goes up to the first soldier who is an American and says ""Can you tell me why you're here son?""ù The young soldier replies ""I'm here to stand up for freedom for the Afghan people and I'm proud to my duty for the people of America. ""That's a fine sentiment""ù the president replies and goes on to the next soldier who is British. "" Can you tell me why you're here son?""ù The squaddie replies ""Because I didn't listen at school sir""ù"

[Cor Blimey]

"I was walking in the park and saw a man with the weirdest looking dog I've ever seen. I asked the man what breed it was. He said ""It's a mongol"" I said ""Don't you mean a mongrel"" He pulled up on the lead and shouted ""Down Syndrome""."

[ted fenton]

"A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, ""That's sure a pretty dress you're wearing."" The little girl smiled, ""Thank you, Sir. My mama bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."" The old man chuckled, ""I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you called him that."" She shook her head, ""I'll bet you can't."" He laughed, ""You called him Porky because he's so fat."" She shook her head. ""No Sir, we call him that because he fucks pigs."""

[Son of Sam]

"The amazing talking sheepdog and his shepherd are competing... Dog: ""Well, that's all one hundred sheep accounted for."" Shepherd: ""I only see ninety eight?"" Dog: ""Don't worry, I rounded them up."""

[BillyJenningsBoots]

ted fenton 2:46 Sun Oct 30 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ted are you sure you didn't leave him a written note?

[Nutsin]

"My wife likes me to blow on her when she's hot""¶""¶""¶""¶But I'm not a fan."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"So, there is a lot of talk about kids identifying as cats or dogs, ""furries""ù üòÇ. Imagine if you can, that one of my boys told me they thought they were a cat? Sitting at the supper table son says: ""Dad, I think I'm a cat!"" Dad: ""No son, you're a boy! "" My son: ""No dad some of my friends at school identify as cats, they call themselves furries, and so do I !! It's my right and you can't do anything about it!""ù Me: ü§î ""OK!! "" My son: ""Hey, where's my supper? "" Me: ""Your supper is in the catfood bowl in the corner. Now get off the table you mangy cat!""ù My son: ""What???""ù Me: hits him with a broom, ""get off the table furball!!""ù My son in the corner looking bewildered! Me to my wife : ""Is that cat neutered""ù?? My wife: ""I will make an appointment!! "" My son: ""What??? "" üò≥ Me: ""Your mother and I have decided we don't want a house cat, so get out to the barn and hunt mice!""ù My son: ""What???""ù Me: brandishes broom, ""NOW, to the barn you stupid cat!!""ù My son: ""Dad, I think I'm a boy!""ù Me: ""I thought so, now sit down and eat your supper!!""ù"

[Nutsin]

Why does a woman close her eyes during sex? Because she can't stand to see a man have a good time.

[Kearley]

"You told him, Ted? Was he deaf as well as dyslexic?"

[ted fenton]

"Went to see my dyslexic mate today. I caught him using black shoe polish on his Willy. I was confused, I'm sure I told him to turn his clock back."