THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mike Oxsaw]

"When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me to keep my pocket money in a special metal box under the stairs. I was 15 before I realised it was the fucking gas meter."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"As I get older, I find I only need 3 shops. Specsavers , Boots and Greggs. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls"

[ted fenton]

"I just got 3 tips off a bookie for Cheltenham Today Sunshine. 15:00. Moonlight. 15:30. Good Times. 16:00. If they don't win, don't blame Sunlight, don't blame Moonlight, don't blame Good Times, blame it on the Bookie."

[ted fenton]

"https://www.google.com/search?q=Keir+starmer+jungle+book&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBGB898GB902&oq=Keir+starmer+jungle+book&aqs=chrome..69i57j0i390l2.15927j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:2eaeb560,vid:bi2_2ogPMvo"

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"Lineker (on phone): ""Hello Operator, Lineker here, can you arrange a wake up call for me, please?"" Operator: Yes of course, Mr Lineker. Here we go then - *Everybody thinks you're a complete cսnt!*"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Of course ,if women headed up the governments in the world there would be no more wars ...just really intense negotiations every 28 days"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Does anyone know what time International Women's Day finishes ? I'm starving

[ted fenton]

"Seeing That Cheltenham Is Nearly Upon Us !! üòâ A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' 'No, love,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 this afternoon.'"

[ted fenton]

"Bert,at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ""Notice anything different about me?"" Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, ""Nope."" Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ""Notice anything different NOW?"" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, ""Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."" Furious, Bert yells out, ""AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"" ""Nope. Not a clue"", she replied. ""IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES! Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, ""You shoulda bought a new hat!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I'm currently reading a novel about chickens.It's was last year's Book-Book-Booker prize winner

[joe royal]

"An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. ""I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 12 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' The Scotsman is impressed, and says: ""Let's try it together this evening."" So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 12 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The Englishman just says: ""I've already paid your colleague who has left."" And the Scotsman adds: ""And we are still waiting for the change!"""

[The Stoat]

I heard the next James Bond film will be made to satisfy the woke brigade. Bond will start off as a man and will transgender to a woman. The film will be called Cocktopussy.

[lab]

It's what makes us British Haz

[Haz]

"Well done, Nicola Bulley! 24 days sober!! Too much?"

[ted fenton]

"Irish petrol Station A Petrol Station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales So he put up a sign ""Free Sex with Fill Up"" Soon Paddy pulled in, Filled up his tank and asked for his free sex The owner told him to pick a number between 1 and 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said ""You were close The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."" A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill up. And again asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number Paddy guessed a 2 this time. The proprietor said ""Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time"" . As they were driving away, Mick says to Paddy, ""I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex"" ''No it aint Mick''Paddy says,''Its not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.''"

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnzorzZJbn-/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

[ted fenton]

"I went into the library and asked if they had a copy of the book, ""How to spot a lady-boy"". He said, ""I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere"". I said ""That's the one""."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Was at my boss' funeral with some colleagues. We were all kneeling by the coffin when I heard someone whisper ""Now who's thinking outside the box, Gary?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

My friend has a quality street stuck in his windpipe. The purple one? Yes that's him

[Too Much Too Young]

Madelin McCann - nobody will ever beat me at Hide n Seek. Nicola Bulley - hold my dog.

[madeeasy]

"Is it ok to make jokes about Turkey, or shall I wait for the dust to settle?"

[Mr Kenzo]

"A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there. ""Do you really talk?"" He asks the dog. ""Yes!"" The Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, ""So, tell me your story!"" The Labrador looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda. ""In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog. ""Ten quid!"" The owner says. ""A tenner??But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"" ""Because he's a lying cսnt. He's never been out of the garden!"""

[Son of Sam]

Five ants rented an apartment and another five ants moved in. Now they are ten ants.

[ted fenton]

"Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!' 'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'"

[norwaytips]

"Cc. I think I'd prefer a hospital, that knew a bit more basic biology, including the functions of testicles and the prostate gland. üòÇ"