THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Son of Sam]

My daughter was doing her history homework and asked me what did I know about Galileo? I said 'He was a poor boy from a poor family'

[Bungo]

"When I was 7, I wrote to Jim'll Fix It asking to meet Paul Daniels. I shudder to think of it now, as I could have ended up meeting Paul Daniels."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old man sits down on a park bench next to a Punk. Fascinated at the Punks multi-coloured hair the old man can't help but stare. Eventually the Punk looks at the old man and says ""what are you staring at? haven't you ever done something crazy in your sad life?"" To which the old man replies, ""Oh yes, once I fucked a parrot, and was just wondering if you might be my son"""

[lab]

"Willtell""¶I think you may have fucked up here ."

[Willtell]

This thread used to occasionally have funny jokes...

[ray winstone]

"Went to a Jimmy Greaves charity dinner last night, Harry Redknapp was there telling the same old stories, quite entertaining though. Then this old geezer gets up and does a comedy stint, calls himself ""òThe Cat' and recounts some funny goalkeeping jokes amongst some other stuff. At the end he said ""òjust in case you were wondering why they call me ""òThe Cat'? It's because I was buggered by a bloke called Tom when I was a kid'""¶""¶"

[joyo]

"Coming this summer Disney's new heart touching story of a transgender Whale.... "" Maybe Dick"""

[Helmut Shown]

"Another Jewish couple are also coming up to their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Solomon says ""Becky, I want to do something special for you for our anniversary.""ù Becky replies ""Solly, pre has been good to us I want for nothing but there is one thing I have always wanted to do: I would like to bathe in champagne""ù ""Right""ù Solly says ""You shall have it""ù The day comes and Becky goes into the bathroom and the bath is full of champagne. She bathes in it and then gets ready for the party they are going to have that day. Solomon then starts to siphon the champagne from the bath back into the bottles to reuse for the party. He gets close to finishing and finds there are no bottles left but there are three pints of champagne left Solly shouts out to his wife ""Becky you didn't!""ù"

[Helmut Shown]

"An old Jewish couple were coming up to their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They decide to have a barbecue in their garden to celebrate with friends and family. They also had their bathroom done up as a present to each other. The time comes for the barbecue. An old friend is sitting quietly as the barbecue gets started. He hasn't seen the couple for ten years and the couple's son asks him how he knows his parents. ""I have known them for years in fact I knew them when they cooked indoors and shit outside""ù"

[Mike Oxsaw]

"When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me to keep my pocket money in a special metal box under the stairs. I was 15 before I realised it was the fucking gas meter."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"As I get older, I find I only need 3 shops. Specsavers , Boots and Greggs. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls"

[ted fenton]

"I just got 3 tips off a bookie for Cheltenham Today Sunshine. 15:00. Moonlight. 15:30. Good Times. 16:00. If they don't win, don't blame Sunlight, don't blame Moonlight, don't blame Good Times, blame it on the Bookie."

[ted fenton]

"https://www.google.com/search?q=Keir+starmer+jungle+book&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBGB898GB902&oq=Keir+starmer+jungle+book&aqs=chrome..69i57j0i390l2.15927j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:2eaeb560,vid:bi2_2ogPMvo"

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"Lineker (on phone): ""Hello Operator, Lineker here, can you arrange a wake up call for me, please?"" Operator: Yes of course, Mr Lineker. Here we go then - *Everybody thinks you're a complete cսnt!*"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Of course ,if women headed up the governments in the world there would be no more wars ...just really intense negotiations every 28 days"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Does anyone know what time International Women's Day finishes ? I'm starving

[ted fenton]

"Seeing That Cheltenham Is Nearly Upon Us !! üòâ A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' 'No, love,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 this afternoon.'"

[ted fenton]

"Bert,at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ""Notice anything different about me?"" Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, ""Nope."" Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ""Notice anything different NOW?"" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, ""Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."" Furious, Bert yells out, ""AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"" ""Nope. Not a clue"", she replied. ""IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES! Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, ""You shoulda bought a new hat!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I'm currently reading a novel about chickens.It's was last year's Book-Book-Booker prize winner

[joe royal]

"An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. ""I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 12 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' The Scotsman is impressed, and says: ""Let's try it together this evening."" So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 12 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The Englishman just says: ""I've already paid your colleague who has left."" And the Scotsman adds: ""And we are still waiting for the change!"""

[The Stoat]

I heard the next James Bond film will be made to satisfy the woke brigade. Bond will start off as a man and will transgender to a woman. The film will be called Cocktopussy.

[lab]

It's what makes us British Haz

[Haz]

"Well done, Nicola Bulley! 24 days sober!! Too much?"

[ted fenton]

"Irish petrol Station A Petrol Station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales So he put up a sign ""Free Sex with Fill Up"" Soon Paddy pulled in, Filled up his tank and asked for his free sex The owner told him to pick a number between 1 and 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said ""You were close The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."" A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill up. And again asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number Paddy guessed a 2 this time. The proprietor said ""Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time"" . As they were driving away, Mick says to Paddy, ""I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex"" ''No it aint Mick''Paddy says,''Its not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.''"

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnzorzZJbn-/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=