THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[boleyn8420]

Where do penguins keep their eggs In an eggloo Who tells the best egg jokes Comedihens

[joe royal]

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down's syndrome I wanted my first time to be special.

[Aalborg Hammer]

My uncle was a crap ventriloquist - he used to stick his fingers up my arse and tell me not to say anything

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate Andy Zoff, was the best runner in our school."

[RoyalDocksGK]

"David Moyes, Ange Postecoglou and Mikel Arteta are in the pub. Moyesy goes up to the bar whilst the other two go find a table, and eventually comes back with 3 pints of Tennents. Once they've drunk those, Postecoglou goes up and comes back with 3 pints of Fosters. Next up is Arteta. Yet on his return he comes back with 2 pints of Madri. He places one down in front of David Moyes, and then takes a big gulp from the other other one. Postecoglou now very confused asks ""where's mine?""ù To which Arteta and Moyes both laugh, ""you're not in the 3rd round!""ù"

[Jasnik]

look nice....

[Jasnik]

Too Much Too Young 9:39 Fri Aug 25 And.. Mary had a little lamb She also had a Duck She put them on the mantelpiece To see if they would

[boleyn8420]

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree. You wave to him

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke buys an old oil lamp from an antiques shop. When he gets it home he decides to polish it up. As he starts there is a flash of lightning and a big apparition dressed in middle eastern traditional dress appears before him. ""I am the genie of the lamp, you have set me free. I will grant you three wishes"" the apparition says. The bloke says ""What anything I like?"" "" Yes anything"" the genie replies ""OK"" he says after some thought ""I want all the money I could ever use in a lifetime"" A big flash of lightning and the room is full of £50 notes ""Next"" he says ""I want to live in a luxury mansion in the sun with a big swimming pool and ten person hot tub"" Another flash of lightning and him and his money are transported to a beautiful mansion in the Caribbean with a large pool with a ten person hot tub. ""And your last wish?"" The genie asks The bloke replies "" I want to be surrounded with fanny"" Another big flash of lightning and he turns into a tampon"

[Too Much Too Young]

"Mary had a little skirt, it split right up the sides, and everywhere that Mary went, the boys could see her thighs. She also had another skirt, it split right up the front. She didn't wear that one."

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just bought a Van Gogh coffee table. I've just noticed that it's got a bit of veneer missing.

[joyo]

"Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says: ""I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."" Putin asks, ""Why blue?"" Stalin: ""I knew you would not object to the first one."

[Pee Wee]

Let the record state - that's crap.

[Robson]

"For the record here's my finest creation: I asked Jack Nicholson for his advice on the best way to ventilate my aviary. He said ""One flue over the cuckoo's nest."""

[Robson]

"All of the top 10 are actually pretty good except the one that won. Odd. It's not even been phrased to make it work properly, ignoring the fact that the pun itself is commonly used in playgrounds up and down the country (apparently). My 8 year old could have done better. The coffee shop one and the surrender one made me chuckle."

[Burnhammeronsea]

"That winning joke was something that would go down well on CITV. Comedy is so bland nowadays, sanitised by the wokery. The Nationwide joke was the best of the bad bunch."

[Lee Trundle]

"Yeah, it's not a great advert for the Fringe!"

[Pee Wee]

"Blimey, they make Ted look funny. I've thought that one day i'd go to the fringe, but if these are the best I think i'll pass"

[Lee Trundle]

"Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Fringe I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic - Roger Swift I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone My grandma describes herself as being in her ""twilight years"" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx"

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Helmut..Best one in a long time

[arsene york-hunt]

"Two Hollywood actresses in a bar. One said: ""You know I have to confess I slept with that Harvey Weinstein."" The other Replied ""ME TOO!"""

[Helmut Shown]

"Michael Douglas is in a posh restaurant with his wife. He sees there is turtle soup on the menu and decides to order it. Everybody in the restaurant had had their starter and were tucking into their main course and still his soup hadn't arrived. He asked the waiter why it was taking so long. The waiter told him that as the soup was cooked fresh to order the chef was having problems with the turtle. Douglas got up and walked into the kitchen, ""What's the problem?""ù He said. The chef replied ""We have to wait for the turtle to poke his head out, so we can hit him on the head and steam his body from the shell""ù Douglas licks his middle finger and rams it up the turtles arse. The chef hits it on the head and thank Douglas for his help. After finishing his meal the waiter says to him ""I'm very impressed, where did you learn that trick?""ù Douglas replies ""When we were doing Romancing the Stone, it was the only way we could get Danny de Vito's tie on""ù"

[ray winstone]

"I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm......... If you can't come, let me know."

[Mirkwood]

I was just thinking I miss Ted

[Mirkwood]

I was just thinking I miss Ted