THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[arsene york-hunt]

"Two Hollywood actresses in a bar. One said: ""You know I have to confess I slept with that Harvey Weinstein."" The other Replied ""ME TOO!"""

[Helmut Shown]

"Michael Douglas is in a posh restaurant with his wife. He sees there is turtle soup on the menu and decides to order it. Everybody in the restaurant had had their starter and were tucking into their main course and still his soup hadn't arrived. He asked the waiter why it was taking so long. The waiter told him that as the soup was cooked fresh to order the chef was having problems with the turtle. Douglas got up and walked into the kitchen, ""What's the problem?""ù He said. The chef replied ""We have to wait for the turtle to poke his head out, so we can hit him on the head and steam his body from the shell""ù Douglas licks his middle finger and rams it up the turtles arse. The chef hits it on the head and thank Douglas for his help. After finishing his meal the waiter says to him ""I'm very impressed, where did you learn that trick?""ù Douglas replies ""When we were doing Romancing the Stone, it was the only way we could get Danny de Vito's tie on""ù"

[ray winstone]

"I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm......... If you can't come, let me know."

[Mirkwood]

I was just thinking I miss Ted

[Mirkwood]

I was just thinking I miss Ted

[Darlo Debs]

"A bloke came up to me in the pub and said are they thick lens glasses you are wearing., I said no they're mine."

[Pee Wee]

How is it possible that this thread has actually got unfunnier without Ted

[Willtell]

I wondered what happened to my match comments! Apologies but I was only on the match thread!!!!

[Willtell]

A midfield and one young forward chasing shadows and giving the ball away. This is a team that's not playing for the manager.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The Astley Paradox: If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie 'Up', he cannot give it to you as he's never gonna give you Up. However, in doing so he lets you down. Thus creating the Astley Paradox."

[Mike Oxsaw]

I've heard that there are plans afoot to revisit and update a classic TV series from the 1980s and base it around county lines couriers instead of labourers. It'll be called Stuff from the Black Boys.

[Willtell]

"A pal of mine showed me around his house and I was surprised to see he had a classic car, A DeLorean. I asked him whether he uses it regularly. He told me he just drives it from time to time..."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Sorry..should be *wank*

[Aalborg Hammer]

"If the woman you're with is uncomfortable when you want in front of her, do you A) Talk to her about her feelings B) Talk to her about her feelings or C) Sit somewhere else on the bus"

[joe royal]

"A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. ""I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce. The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph. The wife speaks again. ""I don't want you to try to talk me out of it.""ù She says, ""because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.""ù Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph. She pushes her luck. ""I want a house.""ù She says insistently. Up to 60 mph. ""I want the car, too.""ù She continues. 65mph. ""And,""ù she says, ""I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!""ù The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes her nervous, so she asks him, ""Isn't there anything you want?""ù The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. ""No, I've got everything I need, ""ù he says. ""Oh, really,""ù she inquires, ""so what have you got?""ù Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles. ""The airbag!""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Why did God invent orgasms So women can moan even when they're happy.

[Darlo Debs]

I lost my job at a bank.today. An old lady came in and asked me to check.her balance. So.i pushed her over.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My cannibal mate went on holiday- came back with one arm- I said ""What happened to you?"" He said ""I went self-catering """

[boleyn8420]

"Why can't you count in Afghanistan Because of the Tally Ban And what do you call a can opener that doesn't work A can't opener Gingerbreadman goes to the doctor Doctor, I have got really sore knees The doctor says ""Try icing them"""

[joe royal]

"I was advised, in good faith, that horse manure would make my strawberries tastier and more juicy. In fact, it does nothing to improve them at all. I'm going back to double cream and I'd advise anyone else to do likewise. ü§¶""ç‚ôÄÔ∏èü§∑""ç‚ôÄÔ∏èü§£ü§£"

[Bungo]

"Boss: ""If you fall asleep again today, I'll have to fire you.""ù Me: ""OK, sorry""ù. Boss: ""Now go and do the sheep inventory""ù. Me: ""Oh no!""ù"

[Bungo]

"Getting closer to my weight loss target. I'm on the Bon Jovi diet, I'm halfway there, living on a pear."

[MrTrentReznor]

I am looking to hire people interested in earning a million pounds a year. No. This is not a multilevel marketing scheme. We will be committing fraud.

[MrTrentReznor]

Completely misunderstood pride month. Who wants to buy 15 lions?

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've got a date with a lady who self identifies as a wheelie bin...but I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday