THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Exiled In Surrey]

What is the square root of 69? Ate something.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The circus midget married couple went to the midwife for her first scan of the new baby. The nurse says ""Do you care what it is??"" ""No"" says the husband ""as long as it fits in the cannon"""

[Iron Duke]

"Plankton, it's been done before. 1983 I think."

[147man]

My mum and dad were both dwarves They struggled their whole lives to put food on the table

[plankton]

"Not sure if this has been done before... apologies if so, _____________________ A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ""handy-woman"". She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood and eventually went to the front door of her first house, where she asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. ""Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,"" he said, ""How much will you charge me?"" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ""How about $50?"" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ""Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"" He responded, ""That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"" The wife replied, ""You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."" Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. ""You're finished already?"" the startled husband asked. ""Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."" Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. ""And, by the way,"" the teenager added, ""it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."""

[ted fenton]

"This prisoner escapes after 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: ""Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."" To which the wife responds, ""He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I was cooking tea tonight. The recipe said to ensure the oven was set at 180 degrees. I did that. But now its facing the wall I can't open the door.

[eswing hammer]

"There's a bloke up our pub who's addicted to brake fluid , he reckons he can stop at any time !"

[ted fenton]

I've just been on that Welsh dating site. Ewe switch

[Aalborg Hammer]

Charles Darwin doesn't play Fifa 20.... ....he's more of a pro Evolution guy Aww yeah.

[Exiled In Surrey]

"Two guys having a beer. ""Do you like smelly women with bad breath?""ù ""No way""ù ""How about a woman that can fit a watermelon up her pussy?""ù ""Christ no""ù ""Why are you fuckin my wife then?""ù"

[ted fenton]

"To Be 8 again! A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, the Death Slide, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you flaming retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong."

[claret on my shirt]

"the grim reaper came for me last night, so i beat him with a vacuum. Talk about dyson with death!"

[claret on my shirt]

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctors described his condition as stable.

[Coffee]

The_Phantom 11:37 Sun Aug 16

[The_Phantom]

ted fenton 7:19 Sun Aug 16 like that Ted

[Briano]

What's the difference between one of the seven dwarfs and a pox ridden whore? One is a cunning runt whilst the other has a ...

[ted fenton]

"A retired physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: ""Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."" Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: ""Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"" Dr. Geezer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."" Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."" Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: ""I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."" Dr. Geezer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Dr. Young: ""Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."" Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: ""My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, ""Here's your $1000 back"" (giving him a $10 bill). Dr. Young: ""But this is only $10!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."" *Moral of story* -- Just because you're ""Young"" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an ""old Geezer"" *Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. ENJOY YOUR DAY!!! P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers"

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with big tits? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

[Coffee]

:-)

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mate who has a stutter was telling us about his nana. By the time he was finished we were all singing hey Jude.

[joyo]

I've found an app that tracks illegal immigrants..... UBER

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke and his wife were reading the evening paper. She said there is an advert here for a pedigree Alsatian dog ¬£50, He said it must be a misprint they are 10 times that much. But he called and the woman who answered said that the price was correct so he went to have a look at the dog The dog was sitting by the fire and he was a beauty ""Only ¬£50 are you sure he is a pedigree""ù the man said ""Oh! Yes""ù said the woman ""why don't you ask him, he is such a high class pedigree he speaks English all the time and a few words of French""ù The dog looked at the man and said ""Why don't you clear off and leave me alone, I get 2 hours by this fire every day and I don't want some bloke bothering me while I am sitting here. I heard you ask if I was a pedigree, well my Dad was top show dog for 3 years running, my Mom was a Super bitch 4 years running. I have three sisters and two brothers we have won that many trophies our owners had to have a house extension to put them in. I was taken into the drug squad when I was 3 years old and found over,¬£1,000,000 of Heroin and Cannabis in just 12 months, later I was working for the bomb squad and found two bombs, Finally as a rescue dog I saved lives all over the world and now I am retired with a pension""ù ""Wow""ù said the man ""why do you want to get rid of this dog""ù ""Because he's Bloody liar,""ù said the woman"

[ted fenton]

"I went to the beach and it was packed. Then I noticed a tall black guy walking among the crowds, selling his African trinkets and carved wood. I went up to him and asked for his help. ""My wife's here somewhere. If you find her I'll give you £500. Just shout loud for her while you walk."" ""£500? Okay, what is her name?"" he asked. ""It's Ivy"", I replied. ""Ivy Bowler"". Picked a spot all to myself after that."

[The Stoat]

I just met a Chinese drug addict. He said have you seen my cocaine? I said not since he starred in Zulu