THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Coffee]

"I just said to my wife, ""Right sexy, upstairs now!"" She looked at me and said, ""OOOh, horny bastard."" I said, No seriously, the match is coming on, now fuck off!!!!"""

[boleyn8420]

I've been diagnosed as colour blind. It came totally out of the purple

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"Novice nun tells Mother superior she wants to quit, and that she intends to become a prostitute. MS: No! Never! Think of your immortal soul! NN: But I'm not helping anyone here. I've no talent and no education. Jesus said we should love our neighbour. I want to help people and spread happiness. So my only option is to be a prostitute. MS Oh, a prostitute. Thank God. I thought you said Protestant."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Murphy asks Paddy ""What's your pet hate?"" Paddy says ""He doesn't like my finger up his arse"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

(nt)

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Why do the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships? So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian."

[lab]

"Patrick and Mick are nailing down floorboards , Mick is reaching into his bag for nails but about one in three he throws away. Patrick asks why he throws some nails away . Mick replies that he keeps finding upside down ones . You stupid c*** says Patrick ,those ones are for the ceiling ."

[jfk]

"I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a guy who looked like a Syrian refugee, sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished I got back into bed. My wife said, ""You are shaking, what is it? ""You'll never believe what I've just seen,"" I said, ""that cսnt next door still has my shovel."

[Willtell]

"Here's the ringtone you need ray....especially ""Oh Jeremy Corbyn,..."" https://www.zedge.net/find/Labour"

[ray winstone]

"My mate just asked me what ringtone I've got. I said ""I've never really looked but probably light brown"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The SAS, MI6 and Thames Valley police go on a team building exercise are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. Three rabbits are released into 3 forests and each group is told to enter their forest & catch it. The SAS go in. They set up GPS at each corner of the forest ,launch stun grenades and send in three groups of men who track the rabbit down in 30 minutes and bring it out alive but shaken. MI6 sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three days of intensive investigations , MI6 conclude rabbits do not exist. After two days of questioning likely witnesses ,the police enter the forest coming out after six hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, ""OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."""

[WELL HAMMERED AGAIN]

"So I asked this Mexican bloke if they have any Jews in Mexico. He answered ""Si Amigo we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!"""

[jfk]

Haven't been this nervous about a semi since I watched Brokeback Mountain.

[Mirkwood]

"My missus texted me to say I'm ""next to fucking useless."" I'm currently consoling the chap beside me. He really hasn't taken it well."

[Aalborg Hammer]

I was once attacked by a group of mimes... ...they did unspeakable things to me.

[Gavros]

"My wife has threatened to leave me because I keep singing Oasis songs. She said ""Are you going to give it up"" I said maybe...."

[Pee Wee]

"Richard Harrison, the old boy from the TV show Pawnstars has died. Doctors told him he should live to at least 90 but he said the best he could do is 77"

[ted fenton]

"*EMAIL WARNING* Please be aware of this latest danger. If you receive an email with an attachment that says ""NUDE PHOTO OF DIANE ABBOT"", do not under any circumstances open the bastard. It actually contains a nude photo of Diane Abbot"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An American wakes up in hospital. Doctor „ÄãYou were involved in a terrible car crash 3 months ago. You suffered major injuries but everything has healed apart from one thing. We had to amputate your penis. But don't worry. There is $12,000 left from your insurance pay out. We can make you a new penis but it will cost $1000 per inch. Anything you don't spend you can keep. Talk it over with your wife and let me know what size you want. The following day........... Doctor „Äã Have you chatted with your wife? Patient „ÄãYes Doctor „ÄãWhat are you having? Patient „ÄãA fitted kitchen with granite worktops"

[mallard]

The kids just told me their school have just replaced all their desks with ones from Ikea... apparently the assembly took ages!

[Russ of the BML]

"A man walks into a Library and goes straight up to the front desk. ""Hello, I'm looking for a new book thats out but I'm afraid I don't know the author and can't remember the title but its about discrimination to midgets and dwarves"" The assistant checks and then tells the man ""Yes, it's over there on the very top shelf."""

[Mirkwood]

"I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him. I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me ""You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything"" I replied, ""Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce,drugs,alcohol problems""? He said ""Na, I got released from prison"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Husband ""When I come home,I want you to give me a blowjob"" Wife ""Couldn't you be more romantic?"" Husband ""When I come home,I want you to give me a blowjob next to uua candle"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When they booked the Garden of Gethsemene restaurant for the Last Supper ,they asked for a table for 26 . The Waiter said ""But there's only 13 of you"" ""Yes , but we're only sitting on one side"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Wife says to husband ""If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car"". He replies ""If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the childminder"""