THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

"A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called ""The KEY,"" where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted ""The Key."" Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. ""All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."" The doctor looked at her closely and said, ""Those aren't bags, those are your tits"" She said, ""No point asking about the beard then ......"""

[Keep dreaming]

"What's the French word for pussy? Can't remember, but I had it on the tip of my tongue yesterday"

[Mirkwood]

That was funny...lol

[Willtell]

"A boy walks in late for school and has no shirt on. The new teacher asks ""where have you been to be so late?"" The boy said ""I was on top of BlueBerry Hill"". Being a new teacher she thought this was weird and that she'd find out what Blueberry hill was later but didn't want to appear naive so said ""alright sit down."" Another boy walks in late with no pants on and says ""Sorry I'm late teacher but I was on top of BlueBerry Hill?"" ""Alright sit down"" says the teacher. Then a girl walks in with no clothes on. The teacher says ""Let me guess you were on top of Blueberry Hill too huh?"" the girl replies ""No I am BlueBerry Hill"""

[Son of Sam]

Knock Knock Whos there? The Interupting Cow The Inte.. MOOOOOO !

[ted fenton]

"I was on a plane and the air hostess said, ""Want some headphones?"" I said, ""Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"""

[Willtell]

"A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The interviewing manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the shop was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p. ' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4 The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him loads of fishing gear, a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'"

[Willtell]

"Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business. ""It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell"" says one of the girls. ""How can you tell?"" says the other. ""I can smell cock in the air"" replies the first hooker. ""Sorry"", her friend replied, "" I just burped!"""

[Willtell]

"The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for some cheap flights. Well, I was completely surprised when she said ""I love you!"" and kissed me, got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave me a fantastic blow job and the most amazing sex ever. It was really odd because she's never shown an interest in my darts before!"

[Mad Dog]

"15 Funniest Jokes of the Fringe Festival 2017 (apparently) I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. Ken Cheng - 33% Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle ""ì 30% I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point? Alexei Sayle - 29% I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz - 28% I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated. Andy Field - 27% Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant. Mark Simmons - 27% I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it""¶ Jimeoin - 26% I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne - 24% I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine. Olaf Falafel - 24% Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!' Alasdair Beckett-King - 23% A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event. Angela Barnes - 20% As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff - 20% For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it. Phil Wang - 20% I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. Adam Hess - 18% I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine - 18%"

[boleyn8420]

"I am not a fan of the new one pound coin, but then again, I hate all change"

[Willtell]

"Three nurses are working late at a hospital and notice a handsome dead guy on a gurney. The one thing they notice is that he has a Huge erection. The first nurse says ""Oooooohhh I wonder what he was doing when he died but, I can't let that go to waste..."" so she hitches her dress up and rides him. The Second nurse says the same thing ""Oooooooohhhhh can't let that go to waste..."" so she also hitches her dress up and rides him. The third nurse wanted her fun too but was having second thoughts due to her period, but after looking at him she says ""Sod it!"" and hitches her dress up and also rides him. A little while later the man stirs and suddenly gets off the bed. He starts to walk and all three nurses shouted ""We thought you were dead!"" Man replies ""I was but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I now feel great!"""

[chim chim cha boo]

Here's one from this years Fringe but I'm afraid it breaks with the tradition of this thread because it's actually funny: Me and my dad were not really close before he died. Lucky really because he trod on a landmine.

[cheeses cruyf]

Autopsy result . Bruce Forsythe . Sir Bruce died of a seizure.So it was a case of Nice to seizure to seizure nice

[Any Old Iron]

Aalborg Hammer - I think you've misunderstood the thread title.

[Aalborg Hammer]

God thought he'd piss off the White Supremacists by turning the sun black

[Willtell]

"A husband and his wife were getting in the shower when there's a knock at the door. The wife says to her husband that he can't go downstairs in his excited state so wraps a towel around herself goes to answer the door. When she opens it Bob from next door is standing there holding £50 in his hand. He says, ""QUICK! Drop the towel and I'll give you this money!"" She checks up the stairs and hears her husband showering so lets the towel fall and neighbour Bob hands her the £50 says thanks and goes. When she's getting in the shower her husband asks her who was at the door and she tells him it was the neighbour Bob. He says ""Oh great, he owes me £50. Did he return it or say anything about it?"""

[Willtell]

"The old ones are the best... An immigrant arrives in Britain and finds a lamp. He rubs it and PING the Genie taps him on the shoulder and asks him what he would like. ""I would like a big house and a garden"" PING suddenly a big house with a nice garden appears. The Genie asks him if he would like anything else. ""Yes I would like a PC flat screened, TV and a car and a washing machine dryer and fitted kitchen for the wife and toys and mobile phones for the kids"" PING suddenly all these things appear. The Genie asks him if he would like anything else ""Yes £500 a week social security for him his wife and 5 kids"" PING suddenly £500 appears in his bank account. The Genie asks if he has got one final request, ""Yes he says we would like to become British citizens."" PING all off a sudden the big house TV PC car fitted kitchen kids toys mobile phone washer dryer and £500 a week social security disappears. The Genie says ""Now that you are a British citizen you are entitled to fuck all like the rest of us."""

[Willtell]

"I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her sister but she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, ""I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to fuck me just come up and get me."" I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me and I could see her fanny oozing with desire. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing right outside the front door. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, ""We doubted you but are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."" The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Willtell]

"Two BMW car salesmen were sitting at a bar. One complained to the other, ""Boy, business is shit because of Brexit. If I don't sell more BMW's this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"" Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. ""That's okay,"" the blonde replied, ""I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking BMW!"""

[Willtell]

"A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable sir, You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No fee, Chen Lee."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bar man is watching a couple are sitting in the pub having a drink ""ì suddenly the man slips under the table. The woman doesn't move ""ì after a while the bar man goes over and says to the woman you know you husband has slipped under the table. The woman replies no no no you have got that wrong my Husband has just walked into the pub."

[riosleftsock]

"Q: What do you say to a Pakistani at Christmas? A: A pint of milk, a loaf of bread and 20 Marlboros please."

[Haz]

"So, I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He sad, ""Can you describe the symptoms?"" I said, ""Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair."""

[Coffee]

Willtell 10:30 Sat Aug 19 The old ones are the best. I first heard that joke nearly 50 years ago!