THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"I went into the library and asked if they had a copy of the book, ""How to spot a lady-boy"". He said, ""I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere"". I said ""That's the one""."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Was at my boss' funeral with some colleagues. We were all kneeling by the coffin when I heard someone whisper ""Now who's thinking outside the box, Gary?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

My friend has a quality street stuck in his windpipe. The purple one? Yes that's him

[Too Much Too Young]

Madelin McCann - nobody will ever beat me at Hide n Seek. Nicola Bulley - hold my dog.

[madeeasy]

"Is it ok to make jokes about Turkey, or shall I wait for the dust to settle?"

[Mr Kenzo]

"A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there. ""Do you really talk?"" He asks the dog. ""Yes!"" The Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, ""So, tell me your story!"" The Labrador looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda. ""In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog. ""Ten quid!"" The owner says. ""A tenner??But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"" ""Because he's a lying cսnt. He's never been out of the garden!"""

[Son of Sam]

Five ants rented an apartment and another five ants moved in. Now they are ten ants.

[ted fenton]

"Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!' 'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'"

[norwaytips]

"Cc. I think I'd prefer a hospital, that knew a bit more basic biology, including the functions of testicles and the prostate gland. üòÇ"

[Cc]

"This is why you should always consider private medical insurance. A woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a Veteran was masturbating furiously. ""Oh my GOD!"" screamed the woman. ""That's disgraceful! ......Why is he doing that?"" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, ""I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this Veteran has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."" ""Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay"" said the woman.. As they passed by the very next room, they saw another Veteran lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, ""Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"" The doctor spoke very calmly, ""Same illness, but he's with BUPA."""

[Mad Dog]

"Told my son he was adopted the other day. He's not, but he should have tidied his room"

[Aalborg Hammer]

I said to the baker How come all your cakes are 50p but that one's a pound He said that's Madeira cake

[ted fenton]

"A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass? Kid: The cow ate all of it. ...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow? Kid: It left because there was no more grass."

[Willtell]

I love the priest joke ted.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My granddad always said ""When one door closes another one opens"" Lovely man.Terrible cabinet maker"

[ted fenton]

"A West Ham fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Millwall supporter he saw strutting down the street in Sarf London in an obnoxious Millwall jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, ""Where are you going, Father?"" ""I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road,"" replied the priest. ""Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Millwall supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, ""sorry Father, I almost hit that Millwall supporter."" ""That's OK,"" replied the priest ""I got him with the door!!.."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A fella was writing a book about American Indian tribal culture and was talking to a tribal elder on a reservation. He asked how the Indians came up with such unusual names for their children. ""We name them after incidents or characteristics..There's Running Bear who chased a bear down before killing it and there's Mountain Spring who swam in a sacred brook"" The man noticed a very ugly squaw who was ordering everyone around and shouting. ""What's her name ?"" "" That's my wife 'Five Horses' ""Is that because she's owned 5 horses?"" ""No' said the chief ""nag nag nag nag nag !!"""

[ted fenton]

"A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!"

[Son of Sam]

I've just been arrested for making a hat out of a Mars selection box. Apparently there was a Bounty on my head!

[ted fenton]

It's Burns night. That must be awkward in a certain unit of the hospital...

[ted fenton]

"Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ""Hello"" WOMAN: ""Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"" MAN: ""Yes."" WOMAN: ""I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"" MAN: ""Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."" WOMAN: ""I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."" MAN: ""How much?"" WOMAN: ""£45,000."" MAN: ""OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."" WOMAN: ""Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."" MAN: ""Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."" WOMAN: ""Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"" MAN: ""Bye! I love you, too."" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. > > > The man turns to them and asks, ""Anyone know whose phone this is?"""

[Iron Duke]

"My neighbour invited me to a joint Burns Night/Chinese New Year party. I didn't want to go, but they twisted my arm."

[Willtell]

"The pilot of a trans Atlantic flight announced that they were going to crash and passengers should prepare for it. A lady passenger leaps up and announces ""If I am going to die I want to feel like a woman one last time""ù. She took all her clothes off and said ""Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?""ù A man stands up and removed his shirt and says ""Here iron this shirt""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Let's hear it for protein powder !!! ""Whey !!"""