THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Too Much Too Young]

Wales are unbeaten since Ryan Giggs left. Just like his wife.

[The Stoat]

Portugal completed 850 passes on Tuesday. The only way Scotland could achieve this is if they put John McGinn on mastermind

[Aalborg Hammer]

I phoned a child abuse line the other day. The kid at the other end of the line told me to fuck off.

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

"Joe, did you not read the title of this thread?"

[joe royal]

"A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the golf ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, ""If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."" The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ""Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"" The woman said, ""That's okay."" For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, ""You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to"". The woman replied, ""That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."" So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, ""That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."" The woman said, ""That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."" So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, ""I'd like a mild heart attack."" Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. üòÇ Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women just never listen !"

[lab]

Took me a couple of minutes Aalborg ! Funny!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A lot of blokes have nicknames for their penises and I was recently given a nickname for mine. It was by a woman while she was giving me a blowjob. She named it the Impaler, at least that's what I thought. Turns out she was asthmatic and it's my fault she died."

[riosleftsock]

"Doctors treating Inter Milan midfielder Christian Eriksen have said he will never be able to play top level football again. So, a return to spurs is definitely on then."

[Manip]

"Just heard that Harry Kane has visited Christian Ericksen in Hospital. ""He's just managing to string some words together now, so he's making good progress"" said Ericksen. swt."

[Aalborg Hammer]

It's 'Caribbean Hair Day' at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.

[Willtell]

Aalborg & Ted Ag ag ag ag...

[The Stoat]

I went to the shop the other day to get some tablets for the dishwasher. She had a bad headache and needed paracetamol.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Someone keeps sending me bunches of flowers with their heads pulled off...I think I'm being stalked

[ted fenton]

"My Muslim neighbour said to me ""I saw into the future in my dream. I saw a banner over Buckingham Palace which made everybody in London happy"" ""What did it say?"" ""Allahu Akbar!"" he bellowed. ""Well Mohammed, in my dream I saw the Mecca of the future. And there was a banner flying which made all of the people there happy."" ""What did it say?"" he asked. ""Dunno mate, I can't speak Hebrew!"" I answered."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Man went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. They wake up one morning and the mother-in-law is missing. They find her in the back garden, face-to-face with a tiger. The wife says ""We have to do something! What should we do?"" He goes, ""Listen, that tiger got itself into that position and he can find his own damn way out of it."""

[joyo]

What have Yoko Ono and Somalians got in common? Both live off dead Beatles

[The Stoat]

"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasnÔøΩt much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every other answer and came second"

[Coffee]

"Dear Mr Lukaschenko, Next Friday, my mother-in-law will be flying on RyanAir flight RY1254 from London to Moscow. For some days, she's been expressing her deep concern about your regime. Just wanted to quickly share that with you. Yours most sincerely,"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"'Welcome to the 'Owning up to Flatulence Club' but I warn you,it's not for the 'Ain't Farted'"

[arsene york-hunt]

"Bloke out for a walk with his bird. She says ""I'm just popping behind this bush for a pee."" Bloke sneaks behind the other side of the bush and sticks his hand up her crutch and the withdraws it in horror. "" 'ere, you changed your sex."" he exclaimed. ""No,"" she replied ""I've changed my mind, I'm 'avin' a shit."""

[ted fenton]

Does anyone know how long to cook those boil in the bag fish that you win at the fair ?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I took my girlfriend Eileen to an orgy party last week, You should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy's midnight runners."

[onfiresquire]

Surfinglizard wrote... Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Why can't you get headache tablets in South America? Parrots eat em all. I'm a fan of Golfmates too

[Surfinglizard]

Why can't you get headache tablets in South America? Parrots eat em all.

[ted fenton]

"A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: ""Dark in here."" Man: ""Yes it is."" Boy: ""I have a baseball."" Man: ""That's nice."" Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" Man: ""No, thanks."" Boy: ""My dad's outside."" Man: ""OK, how much?"" Boy: ""£250."" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ""Dark in here."" Man: ""Yes, it is."" Boy: ""I have a baseball glove."" Man: ""That's nice."" Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" Man: ""No, thanks."" Boy: ""I'll tell."" Man: ""How much?"" Boy: ""£750."" Man: ""Fine."" A few days later, the father says to the boy, ""Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"" The boy says, ""I can't. I sold them."" The father asks, ""How much did you sell them for?"" The son says, ""£1,000."" The father says, ""That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."" They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ""Dark in here."" The priest says, ""Don't start that shit again!!"""