THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Coffee]

ted fenton 12:58 Fri Jan 29 Ha ha ha!! I bet there's a few on here who can add to that list.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Met a bloke today who's been off work for so long he's developed a Scouse accent

[ted fenton]

"RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Harris, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it, as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out."

[Alex G]

Too Much Too Young 8:08 Thu Jan 28 That'll be the first time in history then that a Ryanair pilot has pulled off a decent landing!

[ted fenton]

Dandy Lyon 1:02 Fri Jan 29 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Jeez :-)

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's the difference between Newcastle and Alan Shearer? Alan Shearer will be on Match of the Day next season

[Dandy Lyon]

Jeez

[ted fenton]

"Mother took her 10 year old son to the Doctors and explained she was worried that his penis was so small, After examining the lad Doctor said the boy is quite healthy but you were right it is very very tiny. So the quickest and best way is to feed him plenty of toast at every opportunity and that is certain to increase the size. The following morning the boy comes down for breakfast and sees a mountain of toast. the lad says ""Ooh all this toast for me Mam"" She said No love the top two are for you and the rest is for your Father."

[Hammer and Pickle]

That pilot/decorator/landing classic is the real Hawker Hurricane of puns.

[Too Much Too Young]

I've had some bloke decorating the upstairs for the last 3 days. We got chatting and he's an ex Ryanair pilot on Furlough. He's now decorating to try and pay the mortgage. Sad times but to be fair he did a great job of the landing.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Do you know that the world's top scientists reckon in 2025 we'll never be more than 8 foot away from an ex-Chelsea manager

[epsom]

"Too Much Too Young 9:13 Wed Jan 27 Had just received via WhatsApp as well, funny how these circulate so quickly. Mind you mine did not have the claret background, so you obviously got the posh version..........."

[Too Much Too Young]

epsom 6:48 Wed Jan 27 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) HAHA Just got sent that via WhatsApp with a claret n blue background.

[epsom]

"A man is walking his dog when the West Ham score comes in, 3-2 to West Ham. The dog runs 10 yards, does a triple backflip and a double pirouette. Someone on the street says ""òfuck me that's impressive, what does he do if West Ham lose'? The Man replies ""òfuck knows mate I've only had him since Christmas'"

[lab]

"Excellent AH , even that dandy Lyon twat may have raised a smile !"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My girlfriend said the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a 9 iron, but I still got it over the shed."

[joyo]

"David Moyes, Mikel Arteta, Jurgen Klopp and Steve Bruce walk into a pub, and Moyes buys them all a pint. Arteta also then bought everyone a pint and followed by Klopp, when all finished Bruce aslo got everyone a drink. Moyes then when up the bar to just buy himself a pint, well the other were a bit pissed off and ask why he didn't get them a drink?!? The Moyesiah replied ""Sorry none of you lot are in the 5th round!"""

[ted fenton]

BREAKING: Frank Lampard set to be offered the chance to join west hams backroom staff!... Reports suggest Doris the tea lady want to take early retirement and Frank is an ideal replacement as he has worked with a bunch of mugs for the past two years.

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ""Hello"" WOMAN: ""Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"" MAN: ""Yes."" WOMAN: ""I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"" MAN: ""Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."" WOMAN: ""I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."" MAN: ""How much?"" WOMAN: ""£45,000."" MAN: ""OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."" WOMAN: ""Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."" MAN: ""Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."" WOMAN: ""Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"" MAN: ""Bye! I love you, too."" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. > > > The man turns to them and asks, ""Anyone know whose phone this is?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Oxford University did a survey on why there's a bubble at the end of a condom. The English said it was take the ejaculate, the French said it was to give the man more pleasure, the Germans said it was to give a woman more pleasure and the West Indians said it was to stand on when you took it off"

[Dandy Lyon]

You're right. Sorry Ted. Keep them coming.

[Willtell]

Me too HR.

[Hermit Road]

Seems as good a time as any to thank people for their gags on here. Aalborg and Ted in particular have provided me with much mirth.

[riosleftsock]

"Dandy Lyon You're a miserable cսnt, I'm sure your opinion won't bother Ted. Why don't you post a joke on the JOKE thread, instead of carping about what you don't find amusing?"

[Dandy Lyon]

I'll do as I please. Cheers