THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[SecondOpinion]

That joke would have worked a lot better if the names were Steve and Mike

[Long Lost]

So where's Jim

[plankton]

"Two builders (we'll call them Chris and Jim) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Chris: I reckon he's an accountant. James: No way - he's a stockbroker. Chris: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several beers get the better of the builder. Chris: Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! Chris: Oh! What's that then? Suit: I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home? Chris: Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Chris: It's in a pond! Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Chris: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Chris: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Chris: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children! Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Chris: Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Chris: Me? Never Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Chris: How's that then? Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of your garden, the size of your house, your family and your sex life! Chris: I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate. James: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Chris: Yep! He's a logical scientist! James: What's that then? Chris: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? James: Nope Chris: Well then, you're a wanker."

[Mirkwood]

Business news: Prophets down in Saudi crane industry

[The Stoat]

"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ÔøΩBusiness trip or pleasure?ÔøΩ She turned, smiled and said, ÔøΩBusiness. IÔøΩm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ÔøΩWhatÔøΩs your Business at this convention?ÔøΩ ÔøΩLecturer,ÔøΩ she responded. ÔøΩI use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.ÔøΩ ÔøΩReally?ÔøΩ he said. ÔøΩAnd what kind of myths are there?ÔøΩ ÔøΩWell,ÔøΩ she explained, ÔøΩone popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. ÔøΩIÔøΩm Sorry,ÔøΩ she said, ÔøΩI shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I donÔøΩt Even know your name.ÔøΩ ÔøΩTonto,ÔøΩ the man said, ÔøΩTonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy""."

[collyrob]

"My Mrs asked ""what do you think about Syria"" I said ""apart from juventus and Roma I can't see anyone else winning it this season"""

[Mr Polite]

I remember reading that joke in a 1982 edition of Laughter the Best Medicine in the readers digest

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Prince Charles goes to Middlesbrough to open a carpet factory. He turns up in a fur coat and hat. The manager is delighted that a senior royal has deigned to come all the way from London just to open his new factory. After cutting the ribbon ,he involves Charles in small talk and says that he looks resplendent in the fur coat and hat. ""Yes""ù says Charles ""Mummy asked me over dinner last night what I was doing today and I said I'm going to Middlesbrough to open a carpet factory so she said ""Middlesbrough? Where the fox hat?!!""ù"

[20 benson]

"Woman goes into the kitchen rubbing her head and says to her husband ""Fucking hell l just fell down the stairs thanks for helping"" The man replies ""Sorry l thought it was Eastenders finishing"""

[ted fenton]

The Germans have plenty of countryside in which to house the Syrian refugees. They are setting up camps in the Black Forest in a region to be called the Black Forest Ghetto.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Welsh farmer taking his driving test. The examiner says ""Can you make a U-turn?""ù ""I can make her eyes water if I go in dry""ù I'll get me fleece."

[Westside]

"An attorney, cross-examining the local coroner, queried, ""Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"" ""No,"" the coroner replied. ""Well, then, did you listen for a heart beat?"" The coroner answered, ""No."" ""Did you check for respiration? Breathing?"", asked the attorney. Again the coroner replied, ""No."" ""Ah,"" the attorney said, ""So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"" The coroner rolled his eyes, and shot back ""Counsellor, at the time I signed the death certificate the man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk."" The attorney replied "" but you didn't actually check for signs of life did you? How could you be certain he was dead?"" The coroner says "" I see your point. For all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."""

[The_Phantom]

"i got hit on the head by a load of books today,but it was all my own fault,i've only got my shelf to blame."

[ted fenton]

"""Oh look, it's Ian McKellen, one of Britain's greatest actors!"" I said to my mates upon seeing him in my local pub. ""Actually,"" he said, ""I'm Sir Ian."" ""My mistake,"" I apologised to my mates, ""it's one of them refugee c#nts."""

[riosleftsock]

"I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since. I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne."

[Coffee]

"ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________"

[Agent Scud]

What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair? Cancer

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The army, the SAS and the police are on a team building exercise training day in a wood. The person in charge gathers them all around and says - ""for your first task i want you to go into the wood in your groups and bring back a rabbit"" The SAS go into the wood two minutes later they emerge with a rabbit. The army go into the wood, guns sound, they emerge carrying a rabbit. The police go into the wood, two hours later they emerge with a squirrel in handcuffs. The person in charge says ""what are you doing? i asked for a rabbit. The police go back into the wood. ten hours later they come out with the same squirrel in handcuffs, the squirrel has two black eyes, is black and blue with clumps of fur missing. The person in charge says ""what the hell are you playing at? i asked for a rabbit."" The squirrel says ""ok, ok i admit it i'm a fucking rabbit !"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella buys a packet of mixed flavoured condoms.Rasberry,Banana,etc. He goes home and says to his wife ""Lets play a game.I'll put one on and you guess what flavour it is"". She goes under the blanket and says ""Cheese and onion"" he says ""For f*ck sake ,Woman,I haven't put one on yet!"""

[Coffee]

They're just hanging on the telephone.

[Monk~koknee]

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's such a shame they'll never meet.

[The Stoat]

BRANDED 10:35 Tue Aug 25 Marston Hammer 10:11 Tue Aug 25 Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

[BRANDED]

"Top 10 funniest at Edinburg fringe The winning joke was: ""I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."" Walsh, from Peterborough, who won the first UK Pun Championship last year, said he was delighted. ""What a punderful feeling,"" he said. It was the eighth year that the joke award has been made. Previous winners include Tim Vine, Stewart Francis, Zoe Lyons and Nick Helm. This year saw the youngest comedian make the award shortlist, as 12-year-old 'Grace The Child' claimed 10th place. The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe ""I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free"" - Darren Walsh ""Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"" - Stewart Francis ""Surely every car is a people carrier?"" - Adam Hess ""What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"" - Masai Graham ""If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go"" - Dave Green ""Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas"" - Mark Nelson ""Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day"" - Tom Parry ""The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves"" - Alun Cochrane ""Clowns divorce. Custardy battle"" - Simon Munnery ""They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..."" - Grace The Child"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business & this fat ugly bird came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, ""You're kind of cute ,Have you got a phone number?"" I said, ""Yes, have you got a pen?"" She said ""Yes, I've got a pen."" I said, ""You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."""

[Marston Hammer]

"1.""I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free"" - Darren Walsh 2.""Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"" - Stewart Francis 3.""Surely every car is a people carrier?"" - Adam Hess 4.""What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"" - Masai Graham 5.""If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go"" - Dave Green 6.""Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas"" - Mark Nelson 7.""Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day"" - Tom Parry 8.""The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves"" - Alun Cochrane 9.""Clowns divorce. Custardy battle"" - Simon Munnery 10.""They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..."" - Grace The Child ‚óæ""I never lie on my CV""¶because it creases it."" - Jenny Collier ‚óæ""If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself"" - Ian Smith ‚óæ""I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time"" - Tom Ward ‚óæ""Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't"" - Gyles Brandreth ‚óæ""Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'"" - Ally Houston ‚óæ""Earlier this year I saw ""The Theory of Everything"" - loved it. Should've been called ""Look Who's Hawking"", that's my only criticism"" - James Acaster"