THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Sniper]

Rios Is the joke there that someone working in a wether spoons has the audacity to call themselves a chef?

[riosleftsock]

"I bumped into an old mate today. He said, ""What you up to these days?"" I said, ""I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs."" He said, ""So you work in a charity drop in centre?"" I said, ""No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."""

[The Stoat]

"The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout ""Cah"", not a single one could shout ""Lorry"""

[Livingstone]

My mateÔøΩs just opened a shop in Israel selling beds for toddlers and babies Hes called it Judas's Carrycots

[lab]

"Jacob and heimi are strolling down the street , a bunch of skinheads are approaching them . Heimi says to Jacob . . I don't like the look of this , I think we may get beaten up and mugged.. Jacob says. . I think you're right , here's that tenner I owe ya."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Westside 4.30 Ag ag

[Westside]

"A friend of mine runs the largest manufacturer of ice cream in Israel. It's called ""Walls of Jericho"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate's just opened a dairy produce shop in Israel. He's called it ""òCheeses of Nazareth'"

[The Stoat]

"Bob receives the following text from his neighbour: 'I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been nobbling your wife, day and night when you're not around, I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again'. Bob feels anguished and betrayed and enters his bedroom, grabs his gun, and without a word, shoots his wife and kills her. A few moments later, a second text comes in: 'Damn auto-correct. I meant ""Wi-Fi"", not ""Wife""'."

[ted fenton]

:-)

[riosleftsock]

"I went to see my grumpy, war veteran grandad in hospital the other day. ""What's for dinner?"" he barked. ""Chicken at 1 o'clock"" said the nurse, so he shot the French bloke in the bed opposite."

[Bungo]

Dinner was a disaster! It turns out that Phil Collins was right - you can't curry dove.

[ted fenton]

https://www.facebook.com/leylou80/videos/10153026646714186/?fref=nf

[ted fenton]

"If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food."

[Monk~koknee]

"A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. N.Z. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ""I just shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."". The old farmer replied, ""This is my property, and you are not coming over here."" The indignant lawyer said, ""I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."" The old farmer smiled and said, ""Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"" The lawyer asked, ""What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"" The Farmer replied, ""Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."" The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ""Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."" The old farmer smiled and said, ""Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."""

[Haz]

"I was in my car. Traffic was grid-locked. A policeman said: ""Terrorists are holding Brendon Rodgers to ransom. They are asking for £10 million cash otherwise they are going to douse him in petrol and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."" I asked how much everyone was giving. ""About a gallon,"" he said"

[penners28]

"Chelsea have made their worst start since 1988. So for Chelsea fans, the worst start in their history...."

[SecondOpinion]

Mike Oxsaw 6:47 Sat Sep 12 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Is Mike a Joke then? Yes and good timing by the way. It's all about the timing

[bruuuno]

"Sad news from the nestle factory today after a man was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell 50 feet and crushed him. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted ""the milky bars are on me"" everyone cheered"

[Mike Oxsaw]

Is Mike a Joke then?

[SecondOpinion]

That joke would have worked a lot better if the names were Steve and Mike

[Long Lost]

So where's Jim

[plankton]

"Two builders (we'll call them Chris and Jim) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Chris: I reckon he's an accountant. James: No way - he's a stockbroker. Chris: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several beers get the better of the builder. Chris: Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! Chris: Oh! What's that then? Suit: I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home? Chris: Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Chris: It's in a pond! Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Chris: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Chris: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Chris: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children! Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Chris: Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Chris: Me? Never Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Chris: How's that then? Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of your garden, the size of your house, your family and your sex life! Chris: I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate. James: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Chris: Yep! He's a logical scientist! James: What's that then? Chris: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? James: Nope Chris: Well then, you're a wanker."

[Mirkwood]

Business news: Prophets down in Saudi crane industry

[The Stoat]

"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ÔøΩBusiness trip or pleasure?ÔøΩ She turned, smiled and said, ÔøΩBusiness. IÔøΩm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ÔøΩWhatÔøΩs your Business at this convention?ÔøΩ ÔøΩLecturer,ÔøΩ she responded. ÔøΩI use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.ÔøΩ ÔøΩReally?ÔøΩ he said. ÔøΩAnd what kind of myths are there?ÔøΩ ÔøΩWell,ÔøΩ she explained, ÔøΩone popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. ÔøΩIÔøΩm Sorry,ÔøΩ she said, ÔøΩI shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I donÔøΩt Even know your name.ÔøΩ ÔøΩTonto,ÔøΩ the man said, ÔøΩTonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy""."