THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

FMOB I heard that at school :-) 100

[Haz]

"Aussie guy walking along the beach in Bondi. He comes across a topless woman sitting out in the hot sun. ""Excuse me Sheila,"" he says, ""D'ya fancy a fuck?"" ""No!"" she replies. ""Well, d'ya mind lying down whilst I have one?"""

[Sniper]

Rios Which one? There's so many!

[jfk]

"I,m absolutely flabbergasted with the vw controversy, who would have thought that the Germans would ever try to kill people with poisoned gaseous emissions...."

[riosleftsock]

"Sniper, probably, why don't you ask the fat mess who posts on here?"

[Sniper]

Rios Is the joke there that someone working in a wether spoons has the audacity to call themselves a chef?

[riosleftsock]

"I bumped into an old mate today. He said, ""What you up to these days?"" I said, ""I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs."" He said, ""So you work in a charity drop in centre?"" I said, ""No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."""

[The Stoat]

"The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout ""Cah"", not a single one could shout ""Lorry"""

[Livingstone]

My mateÔøΩs just opened a shop in Israel selling beds for toddlers and babies Hes called it Judas's Carrycots

[lab]

"Jacob and heimi are strolling down the street , a bunch of skinheads are approaching them . Heimi says to Jacob . . I don't like the look of this , I think we may get beaten up and mugged.. Jacob says. . I think you're right , here's that tenner I owe ya."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Westside 4.30 Ag ag

[Westside]

"A friend of mine runs the largest manufacturer of ice cream in Israel. It's called ""Walls of Jericho"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate's just opened a dairy produce shop in Israel. He's called it ""òCheeses of Nazareth'"

[The Stoat]

"Bob receives the following text from his neighbour: 'I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been nobbling your wife, day and night when you're not around, I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again'. Bob feels anguished and betrayed and enters his bedroom, grabs his gun, and without a word, shoots his wife and kills her. A few moments later, a second text comes in: 'Damn auto-correct. I meant ""Wi-Fi"", not ""Wife""'."

[ted fenton]

:-)

[riosleftsock]

"I went to see my grumpy, war veteran grandad in hospital the other day. ""What's for dinner?"" he barked. ""Chicken at 1 o'clock"" said the nurse, so he shot the French bloke in the bed opposite."

[Bungo]

Dinner was a disaster! It turns out that Phil Collins was right - you can't curry dove.

[ted fenton]

https://www.facebook.com/leylou80/videos/10153026646714186/?fref=nf

[ted fenton]

"If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food."

[Monk~koknee]

"A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. N.Z. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ""I just shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."". The old farmer replied, ""This is my property, and you are not coming over here."" The indignant lawyer said, ""I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."" The old farmer smiled and said, ""Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"" The lawyer asked, ""What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"" The Farmer replied, ""Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."" The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ""Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."" The old farmer smiled and said, ""Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."""

[Haz]

"I was in my car. Traffic was grid-locked. A policeman said: ""Terrorists are holding Brendon Rodgers to ransom. They are asking for £10 million cash otherwise they are going to douse him in petrol and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."" I asked how much everyone was giving. ""About a gallon,"" he said"

[penners28]

"Chelsea have made their worst start since 1988. So for Chelsea fans, the worst start in their history...."

[SecondOpinion]

Mike Oxsaw 6:47 Sat Sep 12 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Is Mike a Joke then? Yes and good timing by the way. It's all about the timing

[bruuuno]

"Sad news from the nestle factory today after a man was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell 50 feet and crushed him. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted ""the milky bars are on me"" everyone cheered"

[Mike Oxsaw]

Is Mike a Joke then?