THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Swiss.]

Here's mine; I was looking for the joke thread.

[ACP90]

So Jesus was crucified on Good Friday and rose from the dead on the Sunday? Just in time for half price Easter eggs. Typical fucking Jew.

[penners28]

LondonE3 12:38 Sun Apr 16 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Seeing as im not a bailiff i wouldnt know sweetie

[Gavros]

Penners still chewing on this one?

[nychammer]

Nala?

[Gavros]

"Anagram of alan, penners son? Take a few minutes."

[LondonE3]

penners28 12:28 Sun Apr 16 are all bailiffs as fucking thick as you?

[penners28]

Read that over and over and still dont get it...

[Mirkwood]

"""Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"" ""Because your mum loves Easter, and its an anagram of Easter."" ""Thanks dad."" ""No problem Alan."""

[ted fenton]

Russ :-)

[Russ of the BML]

"2 blokes playing golf. Both on the green with one bloke head down ready to putt. Just as he is about to putt a hearse drives past on the nearby road. He stops his putt, stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. As the hearse drives off into the distance he then returns to his putt and rolls it in. The other bloke says to him ""You know, that was very respectful what you did there"". To which the bloke replies ""Well, I was married to her for 30 years""."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes home and gives his wife a mink coat She puts it on and is standing in front of the mirror and says ""What do you think?"" ""Your knickers are coming down"" ""No,they're not!!"" ""The f*cking coat's going back then!"""

[ted fenton]

"Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club. The secretary says ""We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks. "" Furious, Bolt replies ""do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"" ""Oh, sorry, "" replies the Secretary. ""In that case, it's 5 minutes down the road! """

[claret on my shirt]

Ireland's worst air disaster happened last night when a small 4 seater aircraft crashed into a Cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have so far recovered 984 bodies but they expect that number to climb as they continue to dig through the night!

[10thofMay]

"Absolutely devastated. A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"There was a bloke paying his didgeridoo in town the other day. He was playing Dancing Queen,I thought that was Aboriginal"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes into a pub and says ""I'd like a pint glass with 2 inches of best bitter in the bottom,topped up with tap water"" ""That's an unusual drink"" says the landlord ""Yes,It's something you've got to have when you've got what I've got"" says the bloke ""What's that then?"" ""Twenty pence"""

[Alex G]

"Three guys are walking through a forest when they stumble upon a magic lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."" The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says ""I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."" POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: ""I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says ""I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says ""I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says ""I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says ""I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."" POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says ""My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: ""I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."" Second guy smiles and says ""Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."" Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: ""Guys, I think I fucked up."""

[Mirkwood]

WHSmith joke made me lol

[riosleftsock]

Just drove through Tower Hamlets and thought how nice to see so many local women out in this fine weather on such a lovely day. Then I realised its black bin day.

[JonWHUFC]

Jimmy Krankie I meant

[JonWHUFC]

Does anyone else think she looks a dead ringer for Jimmy Crankie

[Aalborg Hammer]

I'm told that there's a new golf shot called the Nicola Sturgeon - it's a nasty little four-footer

[MikeHammer]

"Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : "" You get out and check - you were driving."" The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "" You were driving, go and tell the farmer,"" says Nicola, ""ùI can't afford to be blamed for anything.""ù The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "" My God, what happened to you ?"" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : "" When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap - up meal and the daughter made love to me."" "" What on earth did you say?"" asks Nicola. "" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."""

[joyo]

"Went into an Islamic bookshop yesterday and asked if they had a copy of ""Great Britain 's policy on deportation of immigrants"" The gentleman behind the counter said""fuck off and don't come back"" I replied ""Yes that's the one,how much?"""