THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[wurzel]

Haha classic Ted.

[ted fenton]

wurzel 12:30 Sat May 13 Beer Can Sandwich :-)

[wurzel]

Riveting ...what a Jamaican calls a river

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate's a cannibal.He went on holiday and came back with only one arm. I said ""What happened to you?"" He said ""I went self catering"""

[Far East Hammer]

"Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear. At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, ""Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"". I replied, ""Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"" A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, ""What she really said was: 666136429."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy's wife is about to give birth, so he rushes her to the hospital. When they arrive the midwife asks Paddy how dilated she is. Paddy replies ""Oh Jaysus, we're both over the fukcing moon...."""

[riosleftsock]

"Big Phil has been great entertainment for decades. I love the bloke. If you can get hold of the standard tonight, they had some cracking stuff (some of his best lines) as well as a lovely piece by AN Wilson about him. The only thing worth reading in that rag."

[ted fenton]

"'Sorry to hear you're standing down, sir.' 'Well I can't stand up much longer!' Prince Philip, 95, seals his retirement in typically humorous style as he prepares to end 70 years of royal duties !!!! Hahaha love the bloke :-)"

[ted fenton]

Mad Dog 7:48 Thu May 4 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Keep the bickering off this thread. Jokes only

[Mad Dog]

Keep the bickering off this thread. Jokes only

[Trevor B]

"Yep, you've lost the plot old boy. EIGHT posts in a row aimed at one poster? Think about that for a moment. No need to reply, just have a think."

[Willtell]

Trevor B 11:42 I was trying to see your point of view Trev but I couldn't get my head that far up my arse... I reckon my jokes about Swiss are some of the better jokes on here...

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: ""Have you been drinking Sir?"" ""Why?"" asks the man, ""Was I driving badly?"" ""No"" replies the Officer, ""You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"""

[Trevor B]

"Pee Wee 5:13 Wed May 3 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) If ever a thread needed renaming C'mon mods, do your duty......"

[Willtell]

Q: Why does Swiss's penis have a hole in it? A: So he can get oxygen to his brain.

[Willtell]

"Swiss. 5:04 Wed May 3 ""Oh dear Willtell. Total melt down. Stalking me around on threads now. You're going all Aaron Lennon on me."" If I wanted to hear from an arsehole I'd fart....."

[Willtell]

"Reply Swiss. 4:35 Tue Apr 25 ""Willtell To be honest mugging you off constantly is getting a bit boring no."" Clearly you mugging me off isn't that boring is it?"

[Pee Wee]

If ever a thread needed renaming

[Trevor B]

"Eight on the spin? Fucking hell, that's desperate!"

[Swiss.]

Oh dear Willtell. Total melt down. Stalking me around on threads now. You're going all Aaron Lennon on me. I'd rest up a bit old man. Not good for the old ticker. Or check put those marrows in your allotment.

[Aalborg Hammer]

I bought my wife a hamster skin coat for her birthday-500 hamster skins went into it. I took her to Thorpe Park for the day and couldn't get her off the big wheel

[Aalborg Hammer]

They've discovered there's an Irish Mafia...they found two blokes with their heads tied together and shot through the hands

[Too Much Too Young]

"Teacher at school of hammerettes. Ok Beyonce, use a sentence with the word contagious? Bey "" Mr Billic has only been given 30 million to build a good squad and my dad said it would take the contagious."

[Sniper]

Ray That actually made me chuckle

[ray winstone]

Fucking hell.....