THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"Japanese couple having an argument: Husband ""Sukitaki!"" Wife replies ""Kowanini!"" Husband ""Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"" Wife, on her knees literally begging ""Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"" Husband replies angrily ""kina tim kouji!"" And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese."

[Rab]

"According to the early exit polls labour were on to win the election, that was up until 5pm when everyone finished work and voted conservative"

[The Stoat]

"A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet."

[Russ of the BML]

ted fenton 8:14 Tue May 30 Love that. LOL!

[Willtell]

What do you call a scouser with a job? A liar

[jfk]

"A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, ""Did you see what your monkey just did?"" ""No, what?"" ""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"" ""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"" replied the guy, ""he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."" The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. ""Did you see what your monkey did just now?"" ""No, what?"" replied the man. ""Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"" said the bartender. ""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"" replied the guy. ""He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first now."""

[ted fenton]

Diane Abbott

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's Jargon? It's what people in Somerset do for exercise

[claret on my shirt]

"Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge. Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings. Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless. He stands back and tells Justin ""your turn""! Justin burst out into tears. ""Whats wrong? Asks Usher. Justin sobs, ""My head won't fit in the railings"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Irish Roulette..you put three Irishmen in a room together with a bottle of Whiskey each. After they've drunk the bottle ,one of them leaves the room.The other two have got to work out who it was."

[ted fenton]

"A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, ""Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for £45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And, if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."" The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. ""Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?"", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. ""There you go,"" she said. ""I told you I could get that schmuck to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."""

[claret on my shirt]

"I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. ""I want to live forever,"" I said. ""Sorry,"" said the fairy, ""I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."" ""Fine,"" I said, ""I want to die when Spurs win the league then."" ""You crafty c--t"" said the fairy"

[Willtell]

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Willtell]

"Mum, why is my backpack so heavy? Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar."

[ted fenton]

"A midget asks the librarian,""Do you have any books on midget discrimination?"" The librarian replies,""Top shelf."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"If you don't know what Armageddon means,it's not the end of the world"

[Mirkwood]

"Sorry, somebody sent me it when I was pissed. Seemed funny at the time."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Corduroy pillows making headlines ,I see"

[SilverSurfer]

"Mirkwood your a cսnt, wake up ya no mark."

[claret on my shirt]

Really not funny Mirkwood

[Briano]

Mirkwood - to be funny you need to have wit. You are a Div

[Mirkwood]

"My heart goes out to everyone at the Ariana Grande concert in Manchester last night. Can't imagine what they must have been through. To top it all off, they had to deal with an explosion."

[cheeses cruyf]

"A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriageway. The Police have said that there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs."

[JonWHUFC]

"Not saying South Africans are racist but there were two new cellmates chatting in a Durban prison. One was white and the other one was black. The black fella says to the white bloke ""how long you in for and what have you done"". The white bloke says ""I raped a girl and got caught banged to rights. The judge gave me two years and said if the girl had been white I would have got longer. You?"". The black fella says ""I got caught riding my bike with no lights on and got six months. The judge said it would have been longer if it had been at night"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Morris the jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. ""You'll never believe what happened, Officer. A van backed up to my shop, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewellery and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the van pulled away."" The desk sergeant said, ""Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"" ""What's the difference?"" asked Morris. ""Well,"" said the sergeant, ""an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."" ""Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears,"" said the jeweller. ....""He had a balaclava on his head."""