THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

BREAKING NEWS!!!! Two Muslims have crashed their speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be linked to Ram-a-dam.

[claret on my shirt]

"Tom and Tim, both gay, were traveling on a plane. ""Dude, what if we had sex?"" asks Tom. ""Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it,"" said Tim. ""Nobody is paying attention to anything. Watch this."" Tom stands up and asks loudly, ""Could I please have a magazine?"" Nobody looks at him. Everyone is sleeping, reading or looking out the window. ""They really wouldn't notice then, would they?"" said Tim. So Tom and Tim have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives at the airport and the people are leaving, the flight attendant sees an old man who puked all over his shirt and pants. ""Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"" ""I didn't dare"" whispered the old man. ""A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a magazine and he got fucked in the ass."

[Willtell]

"Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they had sex, she would complain about splinters, so Pinocchio went to Gepetto about the problem. Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend. A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, ""So how's it going with your girlfriend?"" Pinocchio said, ""Who needs a girlfriend?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"J.C. and the boys turn up at the restaurant for the Last Supper and ask for a table for 26 The manager says ""But there's only 13 of you"" ""We'll only be sitting on one side, pal"""

[The Stoat]

"A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees a black man sitting in a corner. The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, ÔøΩIÔøΩm going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!ÔøΩ Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the black man turns around, puts his thumb up and says, ÔøΩThanks mate!ÔøΩ The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesnÔøΩt pay too much attention to it. The next night, the racist goes into the same bar and again, there is a black guy sitting in the corner, so the man, again, goes to the bar, turns around and says, ÔøΩIÔøΩm going to buy everyone here a free drink, except for that black guy over there!ÔøΩ The patrons are all ecstatic and are hugging and cheering the racist for his generosity. When he buys the last pint, the black guy turns around, puts his thumb up and says, ÔøΩThanks mate!ÔøΩ The racist scratches his head and asks the barman, ÔøΩWhy is that black guy thanking me when heÔøΩs the only person IÔøΩm not buying drinks for?ÔøΩ ÔøΩWellÔøΩ the barman responds, ÔøΩhe owns this place.ÔøΩ"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Here's hoping this isn't awful or old.... Two Paddys get chatting in a bar... ""Are you from Dublin??"" ""I am"" ""What part?"" ""Balanteer"" ""Jaysus,so am I"" ""What school did you go to?"" ""St .Lukes"" ""So did I!"" ""Who was your maths teacher?"" ""Father Delaney"" ""So was mine!"" ""What year did you leave?"" ""1964"" ""So did I!!"" The barman starts smiling and shaking his head so a fella at the bar asks him what's funny. ""Those Fitzpatrick twins, once they had a few pints!"""

[cheeses cruyf]

"Just got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band, l just stand around an' ting"

[claret on my shirt]

"A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called ""The KEY,"" where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted ""The Key."" Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. ""For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."" The doctor looked at her closely and said, ""Those aren't bags, those are your tits."" ÔøΩOh!ÔøΩ, she said, ""No point asking about the beard then..........."""

[les marteaux]

"1st Man in gym:""How long have you been wearing that corset."" 2nd Man: ""Ever since me wife found it in the back of the car."""

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 6:27 Fri Jun 9 Vely Good

[ted fenton]

"Japanese couple having an argument: Husband ""Sukitaki!"" Wife replies ""Kowanini!"" Husband ""Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"" Wife, on her knees literally begging ""Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"" Husband replies angrily ""kina tim kouji!"" And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese."

[Rab]

"According to the early exit polls labour were on to win the election, that was up until 5pm when everyone finished work and voted conservative"

[The Stoat]

"A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet."

[Russ of the BML]

ted fenton 8:14 Tue May 30 Love that. LOL!

[Willtell]

What do you call a scouser with a job? A liar

[jfk]

"A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, ""Did you see what your monkey just did?"" ""No, what?"" ""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"" ""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"" replied the guy, ""he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."" The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. ""Did you see what your monkey did just now?"" ""No, what?"" replied the man. ""Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"" said the bartender. ""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"" replied the guy. ""He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first now."""

[ted fenton]

Diane Abbott

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's Jargon? It's what people in Somerset do for exercise

[claret on my shirt]

"Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge. Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings. Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless. He stands back and tells Justin ""your turn""! Justin burst out into tears. ""Whats wrong? Asks Usher. Justin sobs, ""My head won't fit in the railings"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Irish Roulette..you put three Irishmen in a room together with a bottle of Whiskey each. After they've drunk the bottle ,one of them leaves the room.The other two have got to work out who it was."

[ted fenton]

"A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, ""Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for £45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And, if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."" The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. ""Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?"", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. ""There you go,"" she said. ""I told you I could get that schmuck to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."""

[claret on my shirt]

"I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. ""I want to live forever,"" I said. ""Sorry,"" said the fairy, ""I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."" ""Fine,"" I said, ""I want to die when Spurs win the league then."" ""You crafty c--t"" said the fairy"

[Willtell]

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Willtell]

"Mum, why is my backpack so heavy? Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar."

[ted fenton]

"A midget asks the librarian,""Do you have any books on midget discrimination?"" The librarian replies,""Top shelf."""