THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital. ""How is she?"" I asked. ""Very critical"" replied the officer. ""Oh great. What's she complaining about now?"" I asked."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Not sure how true this is but Liverpool are looking for a new manager. Apparently him and his family are moving home to Germany. Not heard much detail but overhead a scouser who drinks in our pub saying the klopps go back this weekend

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Back in the day (because I'm an official old git) I suspect the question would have been phrased ""What do you get if you cross a nun with a wheelchair?"""

[Nurse Ratched]

*drops a curtsey*

[legrandefromage]

Smart thinking. A cryptic crossword style joke. Nice!

[Nurse Ratched]

Maybe it's virgin mobile as in batmobile.

[legrandefromage]

Wouldn't the nun be more mobile if she wasn't in a wheelchair?

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?? A. Virgin mobile

[Kandu]

Man Utd 0 Liverpool 5 It was so bad that even fans in the disabled section walked out

[Aalborg Hammer]

After a lot of careful thought my wife and I have decided that we don't want children. They are going to be very upset when we tell them.

[ted fenton]

"I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason. The vet replied "" Muzzle 'im? "" No, I said- I think he's an atheist."

[ted fenton]

"Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year."

[Noah]

Aalborg Hammer 8:11 Thu Oct 14 🤣 Took me a minute.

[ted fenton]

Nurse Ratched 11:47 Fri Oct 15 X

[Kaiser Zoso]

penners obviously didn't use his LOAF

[Nurse Ratched]

"Penners, allow me... His car cost $50,000 She has had an accident in his car and the car is all mangled/crumpled up. She is trying to soften the blow of the bad news by 'being all seductive'"

[penners28]

"ted fenton 3:40 Thu Oct 7 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ive read this joke about 20 times, and still dont get it. Can someone explain if poss apologies..."

[The Stoat]

"After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, ""This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"" ""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing ."""

[WHU(Exeter)]

"Penners, that's an idea I'd like a slice of"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. How do you tell the sex of an ant? A. Drop it in water. If it sinks - girl ant.

[ted fenton]

"His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. ""May I ask you a question, My Lord?"" ""Go ahead, Carson ,"" said His Lordship. ""I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."" ""What word is that?"" asked His Lordship. ""Aplomb,"" My Lord. ""Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."" ""Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."" ""Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"" ""I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."" ""Also,"" continued the Earl of Grantham, ""do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"" ""I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."" ""While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."" ""I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."" ""That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."" ""Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."" ""The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."""

[penners28]

Ive decided that next week im going to dress as a different piece of bread each day Roll on monday!

[Aalborg Hammer]

JK Rowling talking about 20 years of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee

[Aalborg Hammer]

The wife says we need to chat about my childish behaviour. As if that's going to happen during conker season

[ted fenton]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.