THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[claret on my shirt]

"I'm 53 and my girlfriend is 21, we went out for a meal the other day and everyone was looking at me as if i was some kind of paedophile! It really ruined our 10th anniversary!"

[ted fenton]

Hahaha very good Mike

[Sir Alf]

"Mike Oxsaw 6:47 Tue Nov 9 ag, ag."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In university I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction-less. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl with big tits."

[ted fenton]

"Hi all, a polite request, it would be great if you could all keep your dogs quiet this weekend, so I can hear my fireworks, thanks in advance."

[lab]

"Dyslexic kid to mum ""¶ Mum can I have a McDonalds ? No you can't But mum please can I get a McDonalds ? No it's rubbish food But mum let me have ""¶. I tell you what if you can spell McDonalds I'll get you one . Fuck that I'll have a KCF ."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Sad news... My obese parrot died today. 🦜 Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders."

[Aalborg Hammer]

They're bringing out a new Bond film to silence the Woke brigade-Bond starts out as a male and by the end of the film he transgenders to female They're calling it - Cocktopussy

[Kandu]

"The nun joke reminded of when Paddy and Mick came up with a plan to kidnap Mother Teresa and hold her to ransom. Paddy was worried about how long the prison sentence would be if they got caught but was reassured when Mick told him they'd be fine because it's a case of no offence, nun taken."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital. ""How is she?"" I asked. ""Very critical"" replied the officer. ""Oh great. What's she complaining about now?"" I asked."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Not sure how true this is but Liverpool are looking for a new manager. Apparently him and his family are moving home to Germany. Not heard much detail but overhead a scouser who drinks in our pub saying the klopps go back this weekend

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Back in the day (because I'm an official old git) I suspect the question would have been phrased ""What do you get if you cross a nun with a wheelchair?"""

[Nurse Ratched]

*drops a curtsey*

[legrandefromage]

Smart thinking. A cryptic crossword style joke. Nice!

[Nurse Ratched]

Maybe it's virgin mobile as in batmobile.

[legrandefromage]

Wouldn't the nun be more mobile if she wasn't in a wheelchair?

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?? A. Virgin mobile

[Kandu]

Man Utd 0 Liverpool 5 It was so bad that even fans in the disabled section walked out

[Aalborg Hammer]

After a lot of careful thought my wife and I have decided that we don't want children. They are going to be very upset when we tell them.

[ted fenton]

"I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason. The vet replied "" Muzzle 'im? "" No, I said- I think he's an atheist."

[ted fenton]

"Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year."

[Noah]

Aalborg Hammer 8:11 Thu Oct 14 🤣 Took me a minute.

[ted fenton]

Nurse Ratched 11:47 Fri Oct 15 X

[Kaiser Zoso]

penners obviously didn't use his LOAF

[Nurse Ratched]

"Penners, allow me... His car cost $50,000 She has had an accident in his car and the car is all mangled/crumpled up. She is trying to soften the blow of the bad news by 'being all seductive'"