THE joke threads (part 5)

Post **Mad Dog** » 12 Aug 2015, 18:13

Usual rules apply

Post **penners28** » 15 Oct 2021, 11:44

"ted fenton 3:40 Thu Oct 7 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ive read this joke about 20 times, and still dont get it. Can someone explain if poss apologies..."

Post **The Stoat** » 15 Oct 2021, 11:41

"After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, ""This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"" ""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing ."""

Post **WHU(Exeter)** » 14 Oct 2021, 20:20

"Penners, that's an idea I'd like a slice of"

Post **Aalborg Hammer** » 14 Oct 2021, 20:11

Q. How do you tell the sex of an ant? A. Drop it in water. If it sinks - girl ant.

Post **ted fenton** » 14 Oct 2021, 13:38

"His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. ""May I ask you a question, My Lord?"" ""Go ahead, Carson ,"" said His Lordship. ""I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."" ""What word is that?"" asked His Lordship. ""Aplomb,"" My Lord. ""Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."" ""Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."" ""Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"" ""I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."" ""Also,"" continued the Earl of Grantham, ""do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"" ""I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."" ""While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."" ""I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."" ""That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."" ""Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."" ""The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."""

Post **penners28** » 13 Oct 2021, 23:14

Ive decided that next week im going to dress as a different piece of bread each day Roll on monday!

Post **Aalborg Hammer** » 11 Oct 2021, 21:06

JK Rowling talking about 20 years of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee

Post **Aalborg Hammer** » 09 Oct 2021, 23:45

The wife says we need to chat about my childish behaviour. As if that's going to happen during conker season

Post **ted fenton** » 07 Oct 2021, 21:47

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

Post **riosleftsock** » 07 Oct 2021, 21:45

"Ted - ignore the twonk. Keep em coming, they normally make me laugh."

Post **Exiled In Surrey** » 07 Oct 2021, 21:44

I'm selling my dogging kit on ebay. I've got 24 watching.

Post **lab** » 07 Oct 2021, 21:42

Just when I thought Vexed and Swiss were the most horrible *unts on here . Crack on Ted.

Post **Dandy Lyon** » 07 Oct 2021, 21:22

Can't you find a funnier website to cut and paste your jokes from. Seriously unfunny.

Post **ted fenton** » 07 Oct 2021, 15:40

"With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, ""Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"" ""No,"" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, ""Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"" ""Uh... no, I haven't,"" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her undies... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. ""Now,"" she said, ""have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"" He said ""No!"" trying to hide his expectant joy. She said ...... ""Check the garage."""

Post **ted fenton** » 05 Oct 2021, 18:13

"MEANWHILE, BACK IN LINCOLN Husband went to the Police station to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I think. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been Joggers, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Lexus. Sergeant: What kind of Lexus was it? Husband: A 2007 SC 430 V8 engine just 32k on the clock and climate controlled air conditioning custom leather stitched seats multi CD player plus cassette player with navigation, satellite radio receiver cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Take it easy Buddy, we'll find your Lexus."

Post **ted fenton** » 29 Sep 2021, 23:22

"Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night. ""My mate came off his motorbike today,"" he said. ""Oh really?"" I asked. ""Yes,"" he replied. ""He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."" ""Blimey,"" I said. ""No wonder he came off it then."""

Post **ted fenton** » 28 Sep 2021, 13:09

Looking for a couple of gallons of diesel willing to swap for a Doctor's appointment !

Post **pdcwhu** » 26 Sep 2021, 14:58

Ted.....ü§£ü§£

Post **wd40** » 26 Sep 2021, 14:50

Lost my cat so spent days looking for her round my village with no luck . Wife sent me out again telling me I need to look a bit harder. Now pacing the village with a skinhead haircut new face tattoo and a knife in hand. Wish me luck .

Post **Coffee** » 25 Sep 2021, 12:28

Post **Aalborg Hammer** » 25 Sep 2021, 12:27

Got a text today. All it said was N G A B Think that's bang out of order.

Post **ted fenton** » 23 Sep 2021, 20:52

"Jacks new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as they were on their way to see his parents, so he called them up and said ""Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture"". ""Oh Jack!"" she sighed ""I thought you had a real one this time."""

Post **Aalborg Hammer** » 23 Sep 2021, 09:49

"""We're going on holiday to Poole"" ""In Dorset? "" ""Yes, we thoroughly recommend it"""

Post **Mirkwood** » 22 Sep 2021, 15:22

"TEACHER - Give an example of a business falier, due to poor management JONNY - A prostitute getting pregnant TEACHER - Get out of my class now"

Post **ted fenton** » 19 Sep 2021, 12:13

"Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old t-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal. Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy. Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg."

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