THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man ""This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."" The man says ""Ok"" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man ""It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?"". The man responds, ""The porridge could do with a little more sugar."" The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says ""Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?"". ""The bed sheets are a bit thin."" Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks ""15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?"". ""Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me."" says the man. ""Yes, yes"" sighs the head monk ""I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."""

[ted fenton]

"Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, ""Well, I eat rye bread every day, It keeps your energy level high And you'll have great stamina with the ladies."" So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, ""Do you have any rye bread?"" She said, ""Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"" He said, ""I want 5 loaves."" She said, ""My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."" He replied, ""I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."""

[ted fenton]

"I was at a funeral yesterday and I asked the priest for the WiFi password. ""Have some respect for the dead!"" He said. ""Ok,"" I replied. ""Is that all lowercase without spaces?"""

[ted fenton]

Son of Sam 1:27 Thu Oct 6 Hahaha

[Aalborg Hammer]

"going to a new restaurant tonight it's called karma there's no menu, you just get what you deserve"

[Son of Sam]

I said to my wife we should embrace our mistakes...she gave me a hug

[wd40]

"Wife reports her husband is missing after going out for a walk alone and not returning after 24 hrs Police turn up and asked what was his routine on the day before going. '' Well officer he got up had a big bowl of bake beans for breakfast then sat and watched some telly, after taking dinner which was another large bowl of bake beans he fell a sleep in the chair on waking up he said he needed a snack as he stated he was going for a walk so opened 5 cans of bake beans enjoyed eating them all up then went out '' Police man :'' So what sort of mood would you say he was in on leaving the house ?'' Wife: '' Full of beans I would say '' one to tell your grand kids throw a couple of farts in and they will love it ."

[Willtell]

"Policeman stops drunk driver and asks him to take breath test. Driver pulls out NHS card - ""this man is asthmatic please do not take his breath"" Policeman asks him to take blood test. Driver pulls out second NHS card - ""this man is anaemic please do not take his blood"" Policeman asks him to take urine test. Driver pulls out third NHS card - ""this man is a Liverpool season ticket holder please do not take the piss"""

[ted fenton]

"MEANWHILE, BACK IN TEXAS Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I think. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and ""Bubba"" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Take it easy,Buddy, we'll find your truck."

[ted fenton]

"A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, ""Watch out for that bloody wall""......."

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"Re Helmut Shown 1:16 Fri Sep 30 And the classic postcard, big chested young girl with a lisp at the doctors, he with his stethoscope in place says ""Big Breaths"". Yes she replies, and I am only thixteen."

[Mace66]

"Phil Foden is the first player to score a hattrick in the Manchester Derby since Erling Haaland, 9 minutes earlier"

[ted fenton]

"A boy is getting ready for prom and he decides to go get a tux. When he gets there, he sees its a huge queue so he joins the tux line and buys his tux. Afterwards, he decides to get her some chocolate so he goes to the shop and there's a huge line so he joins the chocolate line and buys the chocolate. He then goes to get some flowers and at the florists there is a huge line again so he joins the flower line and buys her the flowers. Later in the night, he picks up his date and they go out for a meal - he takes her to a buffet. He decides he wants some salad and he sees there's a huge line for the salad so he joins the salad line and gets his salad and eats it. After a salad, he needs to feel like a man so goes for steak and there's a huge queue so he joins the steak line and gets his steak. He's feeling a bit thirsty now so he goes to get a drink and there's a massive line there so he joins the drinks line and gets his drink. The boy and his date then go to prom. About an hour in, the boy and girl are dancing and are getting hot so the girl says: ""Can you go get me a drink please?"" The boy does so. He goes over to the drinks area to get some punch and there's no punch line."

[Aalborg Hammer]

I just got an invoice from the Origami Society - I don't know what to make of it

[Helmut Shown]

"BillyBondsBirthday : THE joke threads (part 5) Re Helmut Shown 3:56 Wed Sep 21 Yes, I am a great fan of seaside postcards. My favourite one is a picture of a kid answering the phone to his father just outside the bathroom door. His mum is fully clothed standing in the bath holding a wrench for the plumber who is repairing the shower head. The boy says to his father ""Mum can't come to the phone she is in the bath holding the plumber's tool"""

[ted fenton]

"My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head. I think my dog is an IMMIGRANT"

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"Re Helmut Shown 3:56 Wed Sep 21 I remember as an 11 year old about 1970 seeing a saucy postcard on display in Bournemouth where the woman sitting in bed said to her husband who was reading a book ""why can't you lick your finger to turn the page like everyone else"". As a kid of those days you kinda knew when to ask your parents to explain and when not to,"

[Noah]

"Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady: What's that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles into Boots and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

[The Stoat]

"Three Men are Captured by Female Savages! They are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs. The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off. The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off. The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, ""I work for Dyson!""."

[Troy McClure]

What part of a vegetable can you not eat? The wheelchair.

[ted fenton]

Yeah so have I ;-)

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Ted..I heard that before

[ted fenton]

"Jacks new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as they were on their way to see his parents, so he called them up and said ""Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture"". ""Oh Jack!"" she sighed ""I thought you had a real one this time."""

[Helmut Shown]

"A very religious couple get married. They had both saved themselves as sex outside wedlock was a sin to them. On the first night together he sat up in bed reading the bible and his wife eventually fell asleep. The next night again he sat reading his bible and the frustrated wife fell asleep. The next night as he read the bible she felt his hand creep under the covers and under her nightie. She turned to him and said ""At last, are you going to make me a woman?"" He replied "" No you're alright i was just wetting my finger to turn the page"""

[ted fenton]

"Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. ""Tell me about your staff,"" he asked Paddy. ""Well,"" said Paddy, ""there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."" ""That's disgraceful"" said the inspector, ""I need to interview the half-wit."" ""That'll be me then,"" said Paddy."