THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Cor Blimey]

"I was walking in the park and saw a man with the weirdest looking dog I've ever seen. I asked the man what breed it was. He said ""It's a mongol"" I said ""Don't you mean a mongrel"" He pulled up on the lead and shouted ""Down Syndrome""."

[ted fenton]

"A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, ""That's sure a pretty dress you're wearing."" The little girl smiled, ""Thank you, Sir. My mama bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."" The old man chuckled, ""I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you called him that."" She shook her head, ""I'll bet you can't."" He laughed, ""You called him Porky because he's so fat."" She shook her head. ""No Sir, we call him that because he fucks pigs."""

[Son of Sam]

"The amazing talking sheepdog and his shepherd are competing... Dog: ""Well, that's all one hundred sheep accounted for."" Shepherd: ""I only see ninety eight?"" Dog: ""Don't worry, I rounded them up."""

[BillyJenningsBoots]

ted fenton 2:46 Sun Oct 30 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ted are you sure you didn't leave him a written note?

[Nutsin]

"My wife likes me to blow on her when she's hot""¶""¶""¶""¶But I'm not a fan."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"So, there is a lot of talk about kids identifying as cats or dogs, ""furries""ù üòÇ. Imagine if you can, that one of my boys told me they thought they were a cat? Sitting at the supper table son says: ""Dad, I think I'm a cat!"" Dad: ""No son, you're a boy! "" My son: ""No dad some of my friends at school identify as cats, they call themselves furries, and so do I !! It's my right and you can't do anything about it!""ù Me: ü§î ""OK!! "" My son: ""Hey, where's my supper? "" Me: ""Your supper is in the catfood bowl in the corner. Now get off the table you mangy cat!""ù My son: ""What???""ù Me: hits him with a broom, ""get off the table furball!!""ù My son in the corner looking bewildered! Me to my wife : ""Is that cat neutered""ù?? My wife: ""I will make an appointment!! "" My son: ""What??? "" üò≥ Me: ""Your mother and I have decided we don't want a house cat, so get out to the barn and hunt mice!""ù My son: ""What???""ù Me: brandishes broom, ""NOW, to the barn you stupid cat!!""ù My son: ""Dad, I think I'm a boy!""ù Me: ""I thought so, now sit down and eat your supper!!""ù"

[Nutsin]

Why does a woman close her eyes during sex? Because she can't stand to see a man have a good time.

[Kearley]

"You told him, Ted? Was he deaf as well as dyslexic?"

[ted fenton]

"Went to see my dyslexic mate today. I caught him using black shoe polish on his Willy. I was confused, I'm sure I told him to turn his clock back."

[ted fenton]

"Nazi officer: ""Sir, we are mining too many resources"" Hitler rubs chin. Officer: ""Should we mine fewer?"" Hitler: ""Should we what?"""

[ted fenton]

"Two old men, Frank and Albert used to meet regularly for breakfast. Then Frank disappeared for a month. Albert was worried but he could not remember Frank's home address. After one month Frank reappeared. *Albert:* ""What happened to you? You had me worried."" *Frank:* ""I was in jail."" *Albert:* ""Jailed for what? *Frank:* ""Remember Lily, the waitress who works at the coffee shop?"" *Albert:* ""Yes l do. What about her?"" *Frank:* ""She filed rape charges against me. At 85 years old, I was so proud that I pleaded guilty. *The damn Judge gave me 30 days for lying under Oath.""*"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"One day a priest, on his way back home, he notices a little boy at the side with a box of kittens. The priest leans over and takes a look. ""Those are some of prettiest kittens I've seen."" The boy replies: "" Yes, they're Christian kittens."" The Priest thinks oh, that's adorable and walks on home. About a week later, he's walking down the same street with a friend and he sees the boy with the kittens again. Remembering the kid's description of the kittens he says to his friend: ""Go ask the kid about them kittens, he's got the cutest answer you've ever heard."" So the friend walks over and says: ""Well, those are really cute kittens."" The boy answers: ""Yes, they're Atheist kittens."" The priest overhears this and says: ""Wait a minute, last week you told me they were Christian kittens."" And then the boy answers: ""Yeah, but now their eyes are open."""

[ted fenton]

"Blonde : ""My husband's suffering from dandruff and nothing we've tried seems to work."" Brunette : ""Oh, that's no problem. I gave mine Head and Shoulders and that did the trick."" Blonde : ""How do you give shoulders?"""

[madeeasy]

"ted fenton 1:05 Sat Oct 22 Ted you had already posted this twice before mate, you must have forgot with the dementia setting in....!! You still hear from Delboy? if so please send him my best and hope he's ok."

[ted fenton]

Doctors are to be paid £55 if they diagnose a patient with dementia. I was at the surgery this morning and was diagnosed with Dementia. I only went there to clean the windows!

[ted fenton]

"I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason. The vet replied "" Muzzle 'im? "" No, I said- I think he's an atheist."

[Helmut Shown]

"Two old blokes playing golf. On the last hole one of them tees up the ball and catches it with the full meat of the club. It flies past the hole and out of bounds but he is still proud he had hit it so long. They finish their game and head back to the clubhouse. As he walks into the bar, there is a policeman there. The copper says ""Are you the gentleman who hit the long drive on the eighteenth hole?"" "" Yes, that was me"" the man replies proudly ""Well"" the copper says ""that ball hit a motorcyclist in the face, he swerved in front of a school bus and they collided with the bus veering into a busy shop. There are significant casualties"" ""Oh my God"" says the old boy ""What am i going to do?"" The policeman looks up and says "" I think you should change the grip with your left hand on the club"""

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"Two old boys are having their usual Wednesday morning round of golf. They are on the 5th fairway, out on the edge of the course, when a funeral courtege comes into view on the road alongside the course. The first old fella takes off his cap, stands erect and bows his head as it goes past. His mate is impressed by this: ""I'm impressed, Bob, you don't see many folk paying their respects like that these days..."" ""Well,"" says Bob, ""she was a good wife to me for almost fifty years..."""

[ted fenton]

"IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN ................ Just thought I'd nip over to my neighbours, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year."

[Anders]

Apparently Kwasi Kwarteng had trouble getting a seat on the plane cos nobody wanted him anywhere near business or economy

[ted fenton]

"THE DEAD COW LECTURE One of life's more important lessons! First-year students at the Plymouth Veterinary School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, ""In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."" For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. ""Go ahead and do the same thing,"" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, ""The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."""

[ted fenton]

"Chinese man approaches British man in London The Chinese man says ""Could you prease tell me where Elton John owiginated"" British man replies ""Harrow"" Chinese man says ""Hi, could you prease tell me where Elton John owiginated"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A dwarf goes to the doctors. ""Can you help me please doctor? Every time it rains I get a rash on my fanny""ù she says The doctor replies ""Have you got the rash now?""ù ""No""ù she replies He looks out of the window and says ""It's raining outside now, go outside and see if it happens again. She goes out in the rain and when she comes back, sure enough she has a rash on her fanny. The doctor scratches his head nonplussed but looks over at her pile of clothing. ""I think I have the solution""ù he says ""Before you go home cut an inch off the top of your wellies""ù"

[Helmut Shown]

"A man is suffering badly from haemorrhoids. He is talking about it to his mate telling him he has tried all the stuff from the chemists to no avail. His mate tells him there is an old wife's alternative. He told him to press used teabags against the offending piles. He goes home but in his house they use loose leaf tea. He grabs a handful and presses them up his crack. Next day still no joy so he goes to Dr Patel. He tells him of the problem and drops his trousers and pants. ""Can you see anything?"" he asks ""No"" the doctor replies "" But you are going on a long journey"""

[penners28]

Think we all need to start talking about dried grapes more Anyone else up for raisin awareness?