THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"Blonde : ""My husband's suffering from dandruff and nothing we've tried seems to work."" Brunette : ""Oh, that's no problem. I gave mine Head and Shoulders and that did the trick."" Blonde : ""How do you give shoulders?"""

[madeeasy]

"ted fenton 1:05 Sat Oct 22 Ted you had already posted this twice before mate, you must have forgot with the dementia setting in....!! You still hear from Delboy? if so please send him my best and hope he's ok."

[ted fenton]

Doctors are to be paid £55 if they diagnose a patient with dementia. I was at the surgery this morning and was diagnosed with Dementia. I only went there to clean the windows!

[ted fenton]

"I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason. The vet replied "" Muzzle 'im? "" No, I said- I think he's an atheist."

[Helmut Shown]

"Two old blokes playing golf. On the last hole one of them tees up the ball and catches it with the full meat of the club. It flies past the hole and out of bounds but he is still proud he had hit it so long. They finish their game and head back to the clubhouse. As he walks into the bar, there is a policeman there. The copper says ""Are you the gentleman who hit the long drive on the eighteenth hole?"" "" Yes, that was me"" the man replies proudly ""Well"" the copper says ""that ball hit a motorcyclist in the face, he swerved in front of a school bus and they collided with the bus veering into a busy shop. There are significant casualties"" ""Oh my God"" says the old boy ""What am i going to do?"" The policeman looks up and says "" I think you should change the grip with your left hand on the club"""

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"Two old boys are having their usual Wednesday morning round of golf. They are on the 5th fairway, out on the edge of the course, when a funeral courtege comes into view on the road alongside the course. The first old fella takes off his cap, stands erect and bows his head as it goes past. His mate is impressed by this: ""I'm impressed, Bob, you don't see many folk paying their respects like that these days..."" ""Well,"" says Bob, ""she was a good wife to me for almost fifty years..."""

[ted fenton]

"IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN ................ Just thought I'd nip over to my neighbours, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year."

[Anders]

Apparently Kwasi Kwarteng had trouble getting a seat on the plane cos nobody wanted him anywhere near business or economy

[ted fenton]

"THE DEAD COW LECTURE One of life's more important lessons! First-year students at the Plymouth Veterinary School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, ""In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."" For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. ""Go ahead and do the same thing,"" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, ""The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."""

[ted fenton]

"Chinese man approaches British man in London The Chinese man says ""Could you prease tell me where Elton John owiginated"" British man replies ""Harrow"" Chinese man says ""Hi, could you prease tell me where Elton John owiginated"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A dwarf goes to the doctors. ""Can you help me please doctor? Every time it rains I get a rash on my fanny""ù she says The doctor replies ""Have you got the rash now?""ù ""No""ù she replies He looks out of the window and says ""It's raining outside now, go outside and see if it happens again. She goes out in the rain and when she comes back, sure enough she has a rash on her fanny. The doctor scratches his head nonplussed but looks over at her pile of clothing. ""I think I have the solution""ù he says ""Before you go home cut an inch off the top of your wellies""ù"

[Helmut Shown]

"A man is suffering badly from haemorrhoids. He is talking about it to his mate telling him he has tried all the stuff from the chemists to no avail. His mate tells him there is an old wife's alternative. He told him to press used teabags against the offending piles. He goes home but in his house they use loose leaf tea. He grabs a handful and presses them up his crack. Next day still no joy so he goes to Dr Patel. He tells him of the problem and drops his trousers and pants. ""Can you see anything?"" he asks ""No"" the doctor replies "" But you are going on a long journey"""

[penners28]

Think we all need to start talking about dried grapes more Anyone else up for raisin awareness?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man ""This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."" The man says ""Ok"" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man ""It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?"". The man responds, ""The porridge could do with a little more sugar."" The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says ""Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?"". ""The bed sheets are a bit thin."" Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks ""15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?"". ""Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me."" says the man. ""Yes, yes"" sighs the head monk ""I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."""

[ted fenton]

"Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, ""Well, I eat rye bread every day, It keeps your energy level high And you'll have great stamina with the ladies."" So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, ""Do you have any rye bread?"" She said, ""Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"" He said, ""I want 5 loaves."" She said, ""My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."" He replied, ""I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."""

[ted fenton]

"I was at a funeral yesterday and I asked the priest for the WiFi password. ""Have some respect for the dead!"" He said. ""Ok,"" I replied. ""Is that all lowercase without spaces?"""

[ted fenton]

Son of Sam 1:27 Thu Oct 6 Hahaha

[Aalborg Hammer]

"going to a new restaurant tonight it's called karma there's no menu, you just get what you deserve"

[Son of Sam]

I said to my wife we should embrace our mistakes...she gave me a hug

[wd40]

"Wife reports her husband is missing after going out for a walk alone and not returning after 24 hrs Police turn up and asked what was his routine on the day before going. '' Well officer he got up had a big bowl of bake beans for breakfast then sat and watched some telly, after taking dinner which was another large bowl of bake beans he fell a sleep in the chair on waking up he said he needed a snack as he stated he was going for a walk so opened 5 cans of bake beans enjoyed eating them all up then went out '' Police man :'' So what sort of mood would you say he was in on leaving the house ?'' Wife: '' Full of beans I would say '' one to tell your grand kids throw a couple of farts in and they will love it ."

[Willtell]

"Policeman stops drunk driver and asks him to take breath test. Driver pulls out NHS card - ""this man is asthmatic please do not take his breath"" Policeman asks him to take blood test. Driver pulls out second NHS card - ""this man is anaemic please do not take his blood"" Policeman asks him to take urine test. Driver pulls out third NHS card - ""this man is a Liverpool season ticket holder please do not take the piss"""

[ted fenton]

"MEANWHILE, BACK IN TEXAS Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I think. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and ""Bubba"" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Take it easy,Buddy, we'll find your truck."

[ted fenton]

"A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, ""Watch out for that bloody wall""......."

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"Re Helmut Shown 1:16 Fri Sep 30 And the classic postcard, big chested young girl with a lisp at the doctors, he with his stethoscope in place says ""Big Breaths"". Yes she replies, and I am only thixteen."

[Mace66]

"Phil Foden is the first player to score a hattrick in the Manchester Derby since Erling Haaland, 9 minutes earlier"