THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"I walked into Waterstones and asked, ""Do you have any books on 'How to stop impulse buying'?"" ""Yes we do."" ""Excellent. I'll take seventeen copies please."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. ""No, I'm travelling light."""

[ted fenton]

"A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: ""Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband""ù When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: ""Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up"

[ted fenton]

"THE IRISH BROTHEL Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, Watching the front door of the bro thel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. ""Would you look at that!"" says the first Irishman. ""Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, Knocks, and goes inside. ""Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"" They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. ""Ah, now dat's sad."" says the third Irishman. ""One of the girls must have died."""

[happygilmore]

"So I phoned my Scottish boss this morning and said: ""Sorry boss, I won't be able to come in today, I've got a bit of a cough"". He said: ""You have a wee cough laddie?"" I said: ""Ok cheers boss - see you next week!"""

[riosleftsock]

"Self-defence tip: When being attacked by a group of circus performers, always go for the juggler."

[The Stoat]

"I think it's about time people stopped making jokes about the Welsh football team. In all fairness, they're not that bad. Their last 15 results actually look something like this - LLWDWWDDLLWWDLL Which, by sheer coincidence, is also the name of the village where Gareth Bale's dad was born........"

[ted fenton]

There are four stages in life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. Luckily i'm only on the second one.......WHAT ???????

[claret on my shirt]

ted fenton 12:41 Mon Nov 28 hahahaha Brilliant!

[ted fenton]

"A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the live dishes of the day. The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish. ""I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please"" says the man. ""O.K."" replies the Waiter and calls out ""Gervais!!"" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. ""Not to worry"" says the Waiter, and calls out ""Hans!!"" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. ""Sir"", says the Waiter, ""this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"" The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. ""I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid"" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. Wait for it. . .. . ""Well sir,"" says the Waiter, ""it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid."" OK...I'll get my coat."

[ted fenton]

"Just got this text:- Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st to 15th December, can you put my bin out? :-((("

[ted fenton]

"For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Picasso gets burgled and he's asked to draw a picture of the suspects. The police are searching for one horse and two sardines.

[ted fenton]

"Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, ""Burger and chips, please."" ""Certainly, Sir,"" I replied. ""Are you eating in or taking out?"" ""You B#stard,"" he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen."

[jack flash]

"A miracle worker is in town and spots a young Scouser 'How can I help you son?' he asks 'Can you help me with my hearing?' he replies The miracle worker cups his hands and places them over the young mans ears After a minute or so he takes his his hands away and says to the young man 'Does it seem any better?' The Scouser replies 'I don't know, it's not till next Thursday!'"

[Manip]

Liam Gallagher has released some Christmas related merchandise. Festive Mugs with Are Kid written on them and wrapping paper with his face all over it. Liam prefers the wrapping paper..... Because you Get A Roll With It. swt

[ted fenton]

"The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ""Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?""ù The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ""Everthang but my earrings.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Bought some powdered water but didn't know what to mix it with...

[Willtell]

"A Texan police officer called his station on his radio. ""I have an interesting case here. An old lady has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just washed."" ""Have you arrested the woman?"" said his sergeant. ""Not yet. The floor's still wet"""

[Willtell]

R I P Boiled water. You will be mist...

[Bungo]

"My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his privates hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far, however, he was having none of it and stuck to the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention. ""No"", he said, ""I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do He's 28 years old, fucking idiot."

[lab]

"I was in the pub last night and told my mate the joke about ""¶what do you do if you see someone having an epileptic fit in the bath ""¶.throw the washing in . The bloke on the next table said his brother died in the bath having a fit ""¶Christ how embarrassed did I feel ..then he looked up and said he choked on a sock."

[Nutsin]

"Cum bubble complained to HR, so now we can't use nicknames at work anymore."

[Nutsin]

"I've had the shits for 2 weeks""¶""¶.They're back in school now."

[Helmut Shown]

"When Donald Trump was president he went to Afghanistan to jolly along the troops. He goes up to the first soldier who is an American and says ""Can you tell me why you're here son?""ù The young soldier replies ""I'm here to stand up for freedom for the Afghan people and I'm proud to my duty for the people of America. ""That's a fine sentiment""ù the president replies and goes on to the next soldier who is British. "" Can you tell me why you're here son?""ù The squaddie replies ""Because I didn't listen at school sir""ù"