THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"A West Ham fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Millwall supporter he saw strutting down the street in Sarf London in an obnoxious Millwall jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, ""Where are you going, Father?"" ""I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road,"" replied the priest. ""Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Millwall supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, ""sorry Father, I almost hit that Millwall supporter."" ""That's OK,"" replied the priest ""I got him with the door!!.."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A fella was writing a book about American Indian tribal culture and was talking to a tribal elder on a reservation. He asked how the Indians came up with such unusual names for their children. ""We name them after incidents or characteristics..There's Running Bear who chased a bear down before killing it and there's Mountain Spring who swam in a sacred brook"" The man noticed a very ugly squaw who was ordering everyone around and shouting. ""What's her name ?"" "" That's my wife 'Five Horses' ""Is that because she's owned 5 horses?"" ""No' said the chief ""nag nag nag nag nag !!"""

[ted fenton]

"A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!"

[Son of Sam]

I've just been arrested for making a hat out of a Mars selection box. Apparently there was a Bounty on my head!

[ted fenton]

It's Burns night. That must be awkward in a certain unit of the hospital...

[ted fenton]

"Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ""Hello"" WOMAN: ""Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"" MAN: ""Yes."" WOMAN: ""I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"" MAN: ""Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."" WOMAN: ""I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."" MAN: ""How much?"" WOMAN: ""£45,000."" MAN: ""OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."" WOMAN: ""Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."" MAN: ""Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."" WOMAN: ""Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"" MAN: ""Bye! I love you, too."" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. > > > The man turns to them and asks, ""Anyone know whose phone this is?"""

[Iron Duke]

"My neighbour invited me to a joint Burns Night/Chinese New Year party. I didn't want to go, but they twisted my arm."

[Willtell]

"The pilot of a trans Atlantic flight announced that they were going to crash and passengers should prepare for it. A lady passenger leaps up and announces ""If I am going to die I want to feel like a woman one last time""ù. She took all her clothes off and said ""Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?""ù A man stands up and removed his shirt and says ""Here iron this shirt""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Let's hear it for protein powder !!! ""Whey !!"""

[ted fenton]

Tottenham Hotspurs have put out an appeal to the fan who kicked Arsenal keeper Aaron Ramsdale to hand himself in and receive a lifetime ban from the club. So far fifty thousand people have come forward ⚒️

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This fella calls the whorehouse and asks for a girl to come round. He answers the door dressed like a trawlerman with a souwester hat,a cape,wellies and an umbrella. He says ""Follow me "" and gives her a pair of cymbals He goes into the bathroom and stands in the shower. ""Now"" he says "" I want you to bang the cymbals together and turn the light on and off"" After 10 minutes,she says ""Well ??!! aren't you going to fuck me then""?? ""What ! in this weather??"""

[Son of Sam]

My grandmother was 80% Irish Her name was Iris.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My 18-year-old son won £21 million pounds on the lottery last week, I tried to ring him to congratulate him but he didn't want anything to do with me. His foster parents must have raised him to be a right prick."

[ted fenton]

"Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I did not sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'"

[ted fenton]

"A passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question... The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 3 centimetres from a department store shop window. For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, ""Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"" The passenger apologized and said, ""I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."" The driver replied, ""Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."""

[lab]

"People have been complaining a bout the lack of postal deliveries of late, however I must commend how they have started 2023. I've received three Xmas cards already ."

[the coming of gary]

... Big mistake to use the nice checked tablecloth .

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I had breakfast with the chess champion,Boris Spassky once I asked him to pass the ketchup and it took him 15 minutes - never again"

[ted fenton]

"My friends are always saying I'm out of touch and disorganised, but wait until they see what I've planned for tonights New Year's Eve party!"

[ted fenton]

"SEX AFTER DEATH!!! A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: ""Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"" ""Is that you, Frank?"" ""Yes, I've come back as we agreed."" ""That's wonderful! What's it like?"" ""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."" ""Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"" ""No -- I'm a f#cking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"""

[claret on my shirt]

I once worked at a pizza Parlour to get by I kneaded the dough!

[ted fenton]

I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. Who wants some?

[ted fenton]

lab hahaha ;-)

[lab]

I see the Boxing Day swim off Dover was a huge success .112 people went in 476 came out .