THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

Tottenham Hotspurs have put out an appeal to the fan who kicked Arsenal keeper Aaron Ramsdale to hand himself in and receive a lifetime ban from the club. So far fifty thousand people have come forward ⚒️

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This fella calls the whorehouse and asks for a girl to come round. He answers the door dressed like a trawlerman with a souwester hat,a cape,wellies and an umbrella. He says ""Follow me "" and gives her a pair of cymbals He goes into the bathroom and stands in the shower. ""Now"" he says "" I want you to bang the cymbals together and turn the light on and off"" After 10 minutes,she says ""Well ??!! aren't you going to fuck me then""?? ""What ! in this weather??"""

[Son of Sam]

My grandmother was 80% Irish Her name was Iris.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My 18-year-old son won £21 million pounds on the lottery last week, I tried to ring him to congratulate him but he didn't want anything to do with me. His foster parents must have raised him to be a right prick."

[ted fenton]

"Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I did not sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'"

[ted fenton]

"A passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question... The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 3 centimetres from a department store shop window. For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, ""Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"" The passenger apologized and said, ""I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."" The driver replied, ""Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."""

[lab]

"People have been complaining a bout the lack of postal deliveries of late, however I must commend how they have started 2023. I've received three Xmas cards already ."

[the coming of gary]

... Big mistake to use the nice checked tablecloth .

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I had breakfast with the chess champion,Boris Spassky once I asked him to pass the ketchup and it took him 15 minutes - never again"

[ted fenton]

"My friends are always saying I'm out of touch and disorganised, but wait until they see what I've planned for tonights New Year's Eve party!"

[ted fenton]

"SEX AFTER DEATH!!! A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: ""Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"" ""Is that you, Frank?"" ""Yes, I've come back as we agreed."" ""That's wonderful! What's it like?"" ""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."" ""Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"" ""No -- I'm a f#cking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"""

[claret on my shirt]

I once worked at a pizza Parlour to get by I kneaded the dough!

[ted fenton]

I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. Who wants some?

[ted fenton]

lab hahaha ;-)

[lab]

I see the Boxing Day swim off Dover was a huge success .112 people went in 476 came out .

[joe royal]

Russian roulette isn't that dangerous. I posted an online survey once asking about people's experiences of playing Russian Roulette and 100% of the respondents said they survived.

[Mike Oxsaw]

I see that the Americans still can't deal with a little nip in the air...

[Mr Anon]

Helmut Shown 1:24 Mon Dec 19 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) I don't get it! should the names reverse or something?

[ted fenton]

"The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ""òJesus ' he exclaimed. Joseph said, ""òWrite that down, Mary, it's better than Derek!"

[legrandefromage]

"Two gentlemen approach the reception desk in a hotel lobby. One says to the other, ""My ROOK to BISHOP 4 blew you out of the water in that last game!"" ""So, what,""ù the other replies, ""whenever you're WHITE I always confound you with my Sicilian Defence."" The receptionist says, ""Will you two just shut up!"" ""What's your problem?"" they ask ""I don't like chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."" That's a cracker! Merry Christmas!"

[ted fenton]

"Dear Santa, am writing to tell you that i was naughty this year and it was worth it you fat judgmental bastard !"

[Troy McClure]

The strangest job I ever had was at the zoo cleaning up monkey poo. That shit was bananas.

[ted fenton]

"A LARGE WOMAN, WEARING A SLEEVELESS SUN DRESS, WALKED INTO A BAR IN DUBLIN. SHE RAISED HER RIGHT ARM, REVEALING A HUGE, HAIRY ARMPIT. She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ""What man here will buy this lass a drink?"" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, ""Pour the ballerina adrink!"" THE BARTENDER POURED THE DRINK AND THE WOMAN CHUGGED IT DOWN. SHE TURNED TO THE PATRONS AND AGAIN POINTED AROUND AT ALL OF THEM, REVEALING THE SAME HAIRY ARMPIT, AND ASKED, ""What man here will buy this lass ANOTHER drink?"" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ""Give the ballerina another drink!"" THE BARTENDER APPROACHED THE DRUNK AND SAID, ""TELL ME, PADDY, IT'S YOUR BUSINESS IF YOU WANT TO BUY THE LADY A DRINK, But why do you keep calling her a 'ballerina'?"" The drunk replied...""Any woman who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina!!"""

[ted fenton]

"On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, ""We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."" So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, ""We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."" The good wife went out and moved her car again. A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, ""We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."" Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, ""I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"" Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess, he replied, ""Why don't you just leave the f....ing car in the garage this time?"""

[Helmut Shown]

"An American evangelist comes over and holds a big event at Earl's Court. In front of a packed crowd he tells the congregation ""Brothers and sisters I am going to demonstrate to you today tge power of prayer. Are there any troubled people here who need the help of God?"" A shy man comes forward and the evangelist says "" What's your name son? "" ""J-J-John"" says the man ""Do you believe in God John?"" "" Y-Y-Y-Yes"" says John ""And what's your problem John?"" ""I h-h-have a ssssstutter"" he replies ""Well John, go behind the screen and we will pray to the Almighty to find a solution to your problem"" John goes behind the screen, and the reverend asks ""Are there any other lost souls we can help?"" A man approaches the platform on crutches. ""And what's your name sir?"" The evangelist asks "" Brian"" the new man replies. ""What's your problem son?"" He asks "" I'm a cripple and have to use crutches to get about"" ""Well Brian, go behind the screen with John and we will use the power of the Lord to help you"" Brian hobbles behind the screen and the pastor leads a service singing hymns and prayers for half an hour. At tge end of the service he shouts out loudly ""Brian throw away your crutches"". The crutches come flying over from behind the screen. ""Now John speak to me"" A voice comes from behind the screen ""B-B-Brian's fffallen over"""