THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[joe royal]

"Delighted to see that the Everton fan who racially abused Mohamed Salah has been sentenced. The judge told Gary Hyland from Bootle that in his opinion, a jail sentence would be too lenient, and instead sentenced him to an entire seasons matches at Goodison Park."

[147man]

"Bloody hell Stoat! You cant go out Birdwatching with Prince, the fuckers 6 Foot under"

[The Stoat]

But it's a Prince song üòâ

[mallard]

Opening line to Nothing compares to you

[Ridikzappa]

I don't get that last one. Please help

[Aalborg Hammer]

I'm out Birdwatching with Sinead O'Connor today. So far it's been 7 owls and 15 Jays

[Queens Fish Bar]

"After going through a horrendous period of life, with no way we could get out of it, my wife and I agreed we would commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself I suddenly felt much better. I thought ""fuck it! I'm going to soldier on!"""

[The Libertine]

"1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? [Because he was outstanding in his field.] 2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? [It wanted to be a water-melon.] 3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? [""Put it on my bill.""ù] 4. What do you call a pig that does karate? [A pork chop.] 5.What has a bed that you can't sleep in? [A river.] 6. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? [She couldn't control her pupils.] 7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? [An Envelope.] 8. How does the ocean say hello? [It waves.] 9. What lights up a footbal stadium? [A football match.] 10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? [A spelling bee.]"

[The Libertine]

"There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange her yen for Pound. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the bank teller, ""Why rate not same? Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat eighty? Why it change today?"" The bank teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ""Fluctuations."" The Asian lady got really angry and replied, ""Fluc you white people too!""ù"

[Willtell]

"A young lad walks into a bar and orders 3 whisky in quick succession. Curious - the barman asks what's the occasion. ""My first BJ"" The barman offered the lad a fourth drink on the house to celebrate. ""Nah, it's alright"" he replied. ""If the first 3 whisky don't get rid of the taste, another one won't help""."

[The Stoat]

"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed."

[Queens Fish Bar]

Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. ""You wanna wank?"" she asked. ""You bet"" came the excited reply. ""Okay"" she said ""I come back in ten minutes""."

[arsene york-hunt]

What's the difference between a cowboy and a cow girl One has a prairie hat The other has a...............

[Son of Sam]

"If you were 4 years old when ""Red Red Wine "" was released UB40 now"

[Coffee]

"Two blood cells fell in love, but alas it was all in vein."

[Darlo Debs]

I.like the Anti-Anti-depressants one and the Thesaurus one.

[joyo]

Fucking snowflakes crying about the shit joke as well.... Tourettes charity offended... Couldn't make it up!

[boleyn8420]

"Fuck me if that's the funniest I wont ever bother going, I preferred Elvis mouse joke"

[WSM Hammer]

boleyn8420 11:54 Mon Aug 19 That has just been voted funniest joke of this years Edinburgh festival - somehow

[Manip]

My pet mouse Elvis died last night. He was caught in a trap. swt

[Manip]

"""Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"" - Richard Stott ""What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh"" - Milton Jones ""A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'"" - Jake Lambert ""A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it"" - Ross Smith ""Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning"" - Ross Smith ""I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it"" - Adele Cliff ""After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford ""To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian"" - Mark Simmons ""I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts"" - Ivo Graham"

[boleyn8420]

Heard about the man who kept shouting 'brocolli' and cauliflower' Thought he had florets

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella comes home and asks his wife if she'd like to play a sex game. ""OK"" she says ""What do I have to do??"" ""I've got flavoured condoms and you have to guess what flavour they are"" She goes down on him and says ""Cheese and onion?"" ""Wait a minute ,I haven't put one on yet"""

[Helmut Shown]

"On the recommendation of a friend, a bloke decides to try a new brothel in town. He goes into reception and is greeted by a young lady who passes him a card. He says: ""What's this then?"" ""It's the menu "" she replies He looks at the card and reads Hand job £10 Blow job £30 Full sex £50 Anal £70 Sundries Coffee £2 Tea £1.50 Cheese sandwich £3 Ham sandwich £3.50 ""Wow"" he exclaims ""Are you the girl that does the hand jobs"" ""Yes"" she replies He looks at the menu and says ""Wash your hands I'll have a cheese sandwich!"""