THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

My nephew is a Scouser and his birthday is tomorrow. He said he didn't know what he wanted so said just give him money. Therefore I've put a £20 note in his Grandma's purse.

[madeeasy]

"Not sure if my last text I got was a scam, but it said i'd won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.."

[Coffee]

"ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION ANXIETY: The Immigration ""debate"" has created a flurry of activity in local and national media and we hear many stories that break your heart. Here's one story found very touching. Sure you will too. Latinos in Southern California say they are worried by the crackdown on immigration and potential impact on their families. Seeking some relief from this terrible situation, one local Latino man posted this note on the White House website: ""I'm terrified that President Trump is going to deport my Latino mother-in-law who is here illegally and lives at 1801 3rd Street, Los Angeles, Ca. 90023. It's the blue house on the corner. She gets home from work about 6:00pm."""

[Far East Hammer]

"A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, ""I vish to buy sex vit you."" ""OK"" says the girl, ""I'll charge £20 an hour."" ""Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."" ""No problem,"" she replies cautiously, ""I can do a little kinky."" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs. ""The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees. ""Now you vill get on your hans und knees."" She duly does this, balancing on the springs. ""You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."" She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say: ""That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"" ""Ah,"" says the German, ""Four-sprung duck technique"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Let's say a big welcome to the new chairman of the British Budgerigar Society.... Hugh Zapritti-Boyden!

[joe royal]

"Delighted to see that the Everton fan who racially abused Mohamed Salah has been sentenced. The judge told Gary Hyland from Bootle that in his opinion, a jail sentence would be too lenient, and instead sentenced him to an entire seasons matches at Goodison Park."

[147man]

"Bloody hell Stoat! You cant go out Birdwatching with Prince, the fuckers 6 Foot under"

[The Stoat]

But it's a Prince song üòâ

[mallard]

Opening line to Nothing compares to you

[Ridikzappa]

I don't get that last one. Please help

[Aalborg Hammer]

I'm out Birdwatching with Sinead O'Connor today. So far it's been 7 owls and 15 Jays

[Queens Fish Bar]

"After going through a horrendous period of life, with no way we could get out of it, my wife and I agreed we would commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself I suddenly felt much better. I thought ""fuck it! I'm going to soldier on!"""

[The Libertine]

"1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? [Because he was outstanding in his field.] 2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? [It wanted to be a water-melon.] 3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? [""Put it on my bill.""ù] 4. What do you call a pig that does karate? [A pork chop.] 5.What has a bed that you can't sleep in? [A river.] 6. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? [She couldn't control her pupils.] 7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? [An Envelope.] 8. How does the ocean say hello? [It waves.] 9. What lights up a footbal stadium? [A football match.] 10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? [A spelling bee.]"

[The Libertine]

"There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange her yen for Pound. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the bank teller, ""Why rate not same? Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat eighty? Why it change today?"" The bank teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ""Fluctuations."" The Asian lady got really angry and replied, ""Fluc you white people too!""ù"

[Willtell]

"A young lad walks into a bar and orders 3 whisky in quick succession. Curious - the barman asks what's the occasion. ""My first BJ"" The barman offered the lad a fourth drink on the house to celebrate. ""Nah, it's alright"" he replied. ""If the first 3 whisky don't get rid of the taste, another one won't help""."

[The Stoat]

"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed."

[Queens Fish Bar]

Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. ""You wanna wank?"" she asked. ""You bet"" came the excited reply. ""Okay"" she said ""I come back in ten minutes""."

[arsene york-hunt]

What's the difference between a cowboy and a cow girl One has a prairie hat The other has a...............

[Son of Sam]

"If you were 4 years old when ""Red Red Wine "" was released UB40 now"

[Coffee]

"Two blood cells fell in love, but alas it was all in vein."

[Darlo Debs]

I.like the Anti-Anti-depressants one and the Thesaurus one.

[joyo]

Fucking snowflakes crying about the shit joke as well.... Tourettes charity offended... Couldn't make it up!

[boleyn8420]

"Fuck me if that's the funniest I wont ever bother going, I preferred Elvis mouse joke"

[WSM Hammer]

boleyn8420 11:54 Mon Aug 19 That has just been voted funniest joke of this years Edinburgh festival - somehow