THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I went to the doctors yesterday for a full check up and after removing my underwear, the doctor remarked that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that its a family trait and we all have genitals shaped like musical instruments. The doctor was astounded and said in all his years he'd never seen anything like but then remembered he did have a female patient who had a vagina shaped like a mouth organ. I told him that'll be our Monica."

[Helmut Shown]

"An Irishman starts work at a building site. He goes into the hut to get his safety equipment. The foreman gives him a pair of wellies and a safety helmet. ""Excuse me"" says the Irishman "" but why is there an ""L"" on one boot and an ""R"" on the other? "" ""It's health and safety""says the foreman ""It stands for left and right to make sure you put them on the right feet"" ""And what about the ""F"" and the ""B"" on the helmet"" says the Irishman? ""Health and safety again"" says the foreman ""so you dont put it on back to front"" ""Well that's amazing"" says Paddy ""Is that why my wife was told to get her knickers at C&A?"" * *This joke was originally told before C&A went bankrupt in Britain"

[Helmut Shown]

"Two men standing at time urinal one says to the other: ""You're Jewish aren't you?"" "" As a matter of fact I am. How did you know?"" replied the other man. ""You're circumcised and what's more you were circumcised by Dr Katz"" the first man says ""That's incredible how did you know that?"" He replies incredulously ""Well everybody knows Dr Katz is blind in one eye causing him to cut on the slant and you've just pissed in my pocket"""

[Ridikzappa]

Last time I ordered a Chinese it arrived cold

[ted fenton]

"Sad, sad people who are setting off fireworks in the middle of October. One frightened the cat so much it ran up the Xmas tree."

[The Stoat]

"A Red Indian Chief introduced me to his wife This is my wife, her name is four horses What a beautiful name I replied, how did she get that name I asked He replied Fucking Nag Nag Nag Nag"

[Helmut Shown]

"I was coming out of an Italian restaurant the other day and one of the waiters was lying drunk in the gutter so I said to him ""Hi tiddly Eyetie""ù"

[The Stoat]

If Benny & Bjorn from Abba were replaced by Steve & Dave they would be known as ASDA

[Helmut Shown]

"An old couple go to see the doctor. He is 99 and she is 97. She says to the doctor: ""I'd like you to prescribe him some Viagra. The doctor says : ""Surely you are still not active sexually"" ""No"" she says ""i cut them into four and it stops him pissing on his slippers"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes into hospital for a circumcision operation. While he is under the surgeon's knife slips and slices off one of his testicles. Aware of the consequences of a medical incompetence lawsuit the surgeon goes down to the kitchen and gets a pickled onion and sews it into the poor victim's scrotum. Six weeks later the man returns to hospital for a postoperative examination. ""Any problems?"" The surgeon asks. "" only one"" replies the man replies ""its a strange one, every time i see a cheese sandwich i get an erection"""

[Ridikzappa]

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school. So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.

[Helmut Shown]

"A young black bloke is walking along the shore in Jamaica and finds an old fashioned oil lamp. Rubbing the barnacles off, a big flash and a genie appears before him. ""Alright"" says the genie "" you know the score three wishes and I'm off"" ""OK"" the lad replies "" I'd like a hundred million dollars"" A big flash and there's a hundred million dollars at his feet ""I would like a big mansion on Malibu beach for.my next wish"" Another flash and he is transported to Malibu and he has the keys to the enormous mansions he is standing in front of ""And your last wish?"" Asks the genie. ""I'd like to be white and surrounded by fanny"" Another flash and he turns into a tampon"

[madeeasy]

"Just text my Boss, ""What's the difference between this morning and your daughter"" He answered ""I don't know"". I replied ""I'm not coming in this morning"""

[Manip]

"I went to into a brothel last night and said how much for anal? She said ""Sixty quid"" I said""that's a bit expensive i think i'll leave it"" She said ""Tight Arse!"" I said ""Oh ...go on then. swt"

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Had a job interview today. I was asked ""where do you see yourself in a years time?"" I said ""How would I know, I haven't got 2020 vision."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q: What do you call an anorexic with thrush? A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.

[Son of Sam]

If at first you dont succeed...... then sky diving is not for you.

[SUM A DING WONG]

"JonWHUFC, Very funny - i passed it on to a few!"

[JonWHUFC]

SUM - in deed I did. Thought it was funny so posted on here for those who may not have seen it. Good detective work though son. Cheers.

[SUM A DING WONG]

"JonWHUFC, You saw the video of the bloke on the coach, too!"

[JonWHUFC]

"Murphy is on his way to the zoo to deliver a load of monkeys. On the way his van breaks down. If he doesn't deliver them he won't get paid. As he is standing by the roadside, as luck would have it, his mate Paddy pulls up in his van which is empty. ""Paddy"" he says ""Would you do me a favour. If I give you £50 will you take these monkeys to the zoo for me?"" Paddy says ""Course I will Murph, load them on"". Once done, Paddy sets off for the zoo and Murphy phones the AA. After an hour, he sees Paddy coming back still with the monkeys in the van. ""What are you doing Paddy?"" he says. ""You were supposed to take them to the zoo"". ""I did"" says Paddy ""but I have some money left over so I am taking them to the pictures next"""

[Willtell]

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well dressed man on a unicycle? Attire

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A dwarf spiritualist has escaped from Dartmoor prison. The Honiton Times has a headline ""Small Medium at Large"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

Dear Vegans. I'm tucking into this steak because the cow that it came from was eating your food. You're welcome.