THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

"A Red Indian Chief introduced me to his wife This is my wife, her name is four horses What a beautiful name I replied, how did she get that name I asked He replied Fucking Nag Nag Nag Nag"

[Helmut Shown]

"I was coming out of an Italian restaurant the other day and one of the waiters was lying drunk in the gutter so I said to him ""Hi tiddly Eyetie""ù"

[The Stoat]

If Benny & Bjorn from Abba were replaced by Steve & Dave they would be known as ASDA

[Helmut Shown]

"An old couple go to see the doctor. He is 99 and she is 97. She says to the doctor: ""I'd like you to prescribe him some Viagra. The doctor says : ""Surely you are still not active sexually"" ""No"" she says ""i cut them into four and it stops him pissing on his slippers"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes into hospital for a circumcision operation. While he is under the surgeon's knife slips and slices off one of his testicles. Aware of the consequences of a medical incompetence lawsuit the surgeon goes down to the kitchen and gets a pickled onion and sews it into the poor victim's scrotum. Six weeks later the man returns to hospital for a postoperative examination. ""Any problems?"" The surgeon asks. "" only one"" replies the man replies ""its a strange one, every time i see a cheese sandwich i get an erection"""

[Ridikzappa]

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school. So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.

[Helmut Shown]

"A young black bloke is walking along the shore in Jamaica and finds an old fashioned oil lamp. Rubbing the barnacles off, a big flash and a genie appears before him. ""Alright"" says the genie "" you know the score three wishes and I'm off"" ""OK"" the lad replies "" I'd like a hundred million dollars"" A big flash and there's a hundred million dollars at his feet ""I would like a big mansion on Malibu beach for.my next wish"" Another flash and he is transported to Malibu and he has the keys to the enormous mansions he is standing in front of ""And your last wish?"" Asks the genie. ""I'd like to be white and surrounded by fanny"" Another flash and he turns into a tampon"

[madeeasy]

"Just text my Boss, ""What's the difference between this morning and your daughter"" He answered ""I don't know"". I replied ""I'm not coming in this morning"""

[Manip]

"I went to into a brothel last night and said how much for anal? She said ""Sixty quid"" I said""that's a bit expensive i think i'll leave it"" She said ""Tight Arse!"" I said ""Oh ...go on then. swt"

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Had a job interview today. I was asked ""where do you see yourself in a years time?"" I said ""How would I know, I haven't got 2020 vision."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q: What do you call an anorexic with thrush? A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.

[Son of Sam]

If at first you dont succeed...... then sky diving is not for you.

[SUM A DING WONG]

"JonWHUFC, Very funny - i passed it on to a few!"

[JonWHUFC]

SUM - in deed I did. Thought it was funny so posted on here for those who may not have seen it. Good detective work though son. Cheers.

[SUM A DING WONG]

"JonWHUFC, You saw the video of the bloke on the coach, too!"

[JonWHUFC]

"Murphy is on his way to the zoo to deliver a load of monkeys. On the way his van breaks down. If he doesn't deliver them he won't get paid. As he is standing by the roadside, as luck would have it, his mate Paddy pulls up in his van which is empty. ""Paddy"" he says ""Would you do me a favour. If I give you £50 will you take these monkeys to the zoo for me?"" Paddy says ""Course I will Murph, load them on"". Once done, Paddy sets off for the zoo and Murphy phones the AA. After an hour, he sees Paddy coming back still with the monkeys in the van. ""What are you doing Paddy?"" he says. ""You were supposed to take them to the zoo"". ""I did"" says Paddy ""but I have some money left over so I am taking them to the pictures next"""

[Willtell]

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well dressed man on a unicycle? Attire

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A dwarf spiritualist has escaped from Dartmoor prison. The Honiton Times has a headline ""Small Medium at Large"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

Dear Vegans. I'm tucking into this steak because the cow that it came from was eating your food. You're welcome.

[Aalborg Hammer]

My nephew is a Scouser and his birthday is tomorrow. He said he didn't know what he wanted so said just give him money. Therefore I've put a £20 note in his Grandma's purse.

[madeeasy]

"Not sure if my last text I got was a scam, but it said i'd won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.."

[Coffee]

"ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION ANXIETY: The Immigration ""debate"" has created a flurry of activity in local and national media and we hear many stories that break your heart. Here's one story found very touching. Sure you will too. Latinos in Southern California say they are worried by the crackdown on immigration and potential impact on their families. Seeking some relief from this terrible situation, one local Latino man posted this note on the White House website: ""I'm terrified that President Trump is going to deport my Latino mother-in-law who is here illegally and lives at 1801 3rd Street, Los Angeles, Ca. 90023. It's the blue house on the corner. She gets home from work about 6:00pm."""

[Far East Hammer]

"A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, ""I vish to buy sex vit you."" ""OK"" says the girl, ""I'll charge £20 an hour."" ""Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."" ""No problem,"" she replies cautiously, ""I can do a little kinky."" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs. ""The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees. ""Now you vill get on your hans und knees."" She duly does this, balancing on the springs. ""You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."" She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say: ""That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"" ""Ah,"" says the German, ""Four-sprung duck technique"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Let's say a big welcome to the new chairman of the British Budgerigar Society.... Hugh Zapritti-Boyden!